Virginia Chance quotes from Raising Hope

Virginia

[to Jimmy] I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.

Virginia

[to Kate] I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.

Virginia

Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was. You both had boots on your head.

Virginia

[to Gary] I'm sure somewhere out there there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked. Maybe you should try Greg's List!

Virginia

[to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform] Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.

Virginia

Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain, I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo; I don't like feeling tricked. But there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard.

Virginia

What about a TV channel just for news? Wait - they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea. It sucks.

Virginia

Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.

Virginia

Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance. It's called Obama-Car.

Virginia

You two are married now. Lying and being deceitful to get information out of him is your job, not mine.

Jimmy

Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.

Virginia

Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.

Virginia

The hell is that?

Burt

I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.

Burt

It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.

Virginia

No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Burt

[about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.

Virginia

I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Virginia

[Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.

Burt

You know I can't think on demand like that.

Virginia

Think!

Burt

Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-

Virginia

All right, all right!

Burt

-And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

Sabrina

Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?

Virginia

Yes, he is. He ate it.

Sabrina

Excuse me?

Jimmy

Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.

Sabrina

You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?

Virginia

Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...

Jimmy

Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.