In 1900 there was a sport where Britain won a gold medal, in which the only other country that competed was France. Can you imagine what that might have been?
Arrogance?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What’s quite interesting about the sperm of fruit flies?
AAAlexander Armstrong
It smells of guava.
What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?
You get a fireside rug you can have a good hump on.
You get sacked from the zoo?
[On how the ancient armies caught elephants]
Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no … no circus coming through town …
Now, tonight any flamencos you give in Pyong score barney. And I’ll also give you two Sundays...
What the fuck are you talking about?!
So, the question is, how does the U.S. government look after its sequoia groves?
Er … lions … and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas …
Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the sequoia?
Why shouldn't I strip Alan naked and cover him in gold paint?
You win your Oscar properly like everyone else!
I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Luffa" kit.
God bless her!
It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.
[discussing the luffa]
If you're a nun...
[appalled] Oh no, don't go there.
[grinning] I didn't say anything!
Oh please.
It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms they had articles like that, it's a huge excuse for sexual jollities, isn't it? [gestures] "Oh no, I use it for my back!" It would feel like, you know, like sometimes if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it, it would feel like someone with a stump is playing with it. [makes provocative wagging gesture]
Mummy, make the nasty man go away... Very odd.
[Alan makes bashing gestures with luffa]
No! Give me that luffa.
Now you want it.
That's going in the art cupboard and you're going in the naughty corner if you're not careful.
It's going in your penis tin isn't it?
You are very bad children indeed.
What colour was the Model T Ford?
[Whispering to Alan] Don't say, don't say, don't say...
Black?
Oh.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - BLACK]
Oh bless him, like a little puppy that runs into a wall.
You can have any colour, so long as it's black.
Oh, he said that even. Even that phrase.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - ANY COLOR AS LONG AS IT'S BLACK]
Did you know a veal has to have more space to be transported to the abattoir than a human being in the back of an aeroplane.
...yeah, but to be fair, we have a holiday, they get killed.
I had a puffin last week, that's not delicious, but the point of eating it was because I never had one before...
...have you tried one of my turds?
Did you just say what I thought you said? Get out. Out now.
D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?
With grated puffin?
I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.
I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"...
[looking at the aries star sign]
Ah, there we are. It's some sort of goat. It's a goat waiting to be fucked from behind.
It's a provocative goat.
Quite clearly a Greek goat.
If you ask a lady for directions, she’ll ask you a question back. So if you say “do you know where the post office is?”, she’ll say, “do you wanna buy a stamp?”
Sweet.
And you’ll find you’re having a nice chat, and everyone’s friends, but you’ve no idea where the post office is.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.