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SEASON 1

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S1 E15Unfinished Business

[On the subject of Adam and Eve]

But perhaps, you know, we should believe in Adam and Eve. Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived a hundred and fifty thousand years ago. Scientists actually call her "Eve", and every man shares a single male ancestor called "Adam". It's also been established, however, that Adam was born eighty thousand years after Eve. So the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.

[After a question concerning Burmese etiquette]

While double-checking this ... on the Internet, we came up with the extraordinary information that it's considered polite to express joy by eating snow and to send unwanted guests away by biting their leg, an normal behaviour to wipe your mouth on the sofa. This is actually true, the researchers were wrtiting this down with great excitement about Burma, only to discover in the end that Burma turned out to be the name of a poodle belonging to the author of the website

Now, why... Hugh?

HLHugh Laurie

Yes?

Why does the actor Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?

[There’s a long pause until John Sessions hits his buzzer.]

HLHugh Laurie

Well... No! What are you doing?

I'm sorry!

HLHugh Laurie

What are you doing?

HLHugh Laurie

He can’t do that!

I'm sorry. It was a spasm.

I’ll put it out. Just carry on.

Did you know, this is quite interesting...

Yes, good. That’s what we’re here for.

Did you know, kiwi fruit uses more than its own weight in aviation fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe?

Another 5 points. It sounds mad, but is of course true. Absolutely.

And regarding the Edward Woodward...

Yes?

That’s how you spell it!

Oh, no, let Hugh... Poor Hugh.

HLHugh Laurie

No really, that’s fine. I was gonna say exactly that. It’s got that many Ds in it, cos that’s his name! If you took the Ds out, it would be a different name.

Ewar Woowar!

HLHugh Laurie

Ewar Woowar.

Exactly. It would be Ewar Woowar. It’s a sort of structural device, like a joist, which stops his name collapsing into the sort of spongey mass of Ewar Woowar.

What would you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?

Oh, hours of fun.

Where is ninety percent of the universe? Jeremy?

Ikea.

You're basing all this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs.

I nearly injured myself the other day.

Oh yes?

I was standing...

This is a not quite interesting?

I was standing at the urinal and it was so high I had to stand on tip toe, and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area. It must have been a really really lanky plumber who put it up.

It must have been.

You were in a giant’s toilet.

Stumbled into a giant's loo.

Might have been a fountain.

It was a font in a church.

It was outdoors... [Realising what Bill said.] I was not weeing in a font! I resent that.

I baptise you... oh, stop that. Distguting.

How many moons does the earth have?

It has... [He gets distracted for a moment by his buzzer, which is now a chicken.]

Yeah?

The earth has one moon which is made of cheese.

Ooohhh.

[The klaxon sounds.]

So you lose 10.

But it does have one moon!

No.

It’s called ‘The Moon’! I rest my case.

[About Cruithne, assumed to be Earth's second moon]

Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon?

There... I am!

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend."

So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or--

No one can see it--

BECAUSE IT WAS DISCOVERED IN NINETEEN-NINETY-[bleep]-FOUR!

9 years! 9 years to write a romantic song with the word ‘Cruithne’ in it.

In the last 9 years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. Have they?

Bryan Adams wrote one.

Oh, please!

‘Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne?’

How many planets are there in the solar system?

Nine.

[The klaxon goes off.]

Oh, sorry. Not again. [He holds up the ‘nine’ card.] Nine. Not the right answer, another forfeit of 10, I’m afraid. I’m afraid the answer is actually eight.

I’m gonna write them down. You carry on.

Alright. Okay.

Mars.

Yes, Mars is one.

Pluto.

No.

[Alan stops writing and looks up at Stephen.]

Here we go again.

Pluto is a planet! It was discovered in the 1930s. It was the most recent planet to be discovered.

It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes.

It’s a collection of gasses, it’s not actually...

It’s not a planet. By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said...

It’s really, really big and it goes around the sun!

Yes, but it’s not really that big at all. It’s tiny.

Well, that’s why it took so long to find! Don’t be hard on it cos it’s small!

Pluto and Bangkok don’t exist. I’m scared to go out.

Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers

Much more fun, I assure you, much more fun.

Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.

Against their will?

What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?

Is it the Welsh alphabet?

I’ve got that in my pond, I get rid of it.

No. Think about how many people you kill by doing that. You might just as well go around with a pillow and just clamp them to old lady’s faces. You bastard.

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