Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

Falling in love with you was never part of the plan, OK? This whole thing started because my ass was on the line. Self-preservation Jules, you gotta understand that; I didn't have a choice. And then, we sort of found a groove. And by the time you showed up, it was so much fun. We put away like over a hundred criminals. Most of them were murderers. I'm good at what I do. And what I do is good. Isn't it?

Juliet

What are you talking about? Are you telling me this is all a lie?

Shawn

Please don't make me answer that.

Gus

Dude, what happened?

Shawn

She knows.

Gus

You told her?

Shawn

It's worse. I didn't.

Gus

Dude, how're you doing?

Shawn

Well, they say I might have a mild concussion. And I wasn't able to go pick up Lassie's new dog from the rescue this morning. Oh, and get this, I might have a mild concussion.

Gus

Do you know who she is?

Shawn

No, she had no ID when I brought her in.

Gus

Spoke to Juliet yet?

Shawn

Huh. She must have her phone turned off, man. But you know, after a good night's sleep, I'm sure she's going to be over this whole breaking up with me thing. I know I am. I was thinking I would go, uh, Costanza on her, just pretend like it never happened.

Gus

That didn't even work for George Costanza.

Shawn

C'mon son, you know Georgie doesn't have what I've got.

Gus

A mild concussion?

Shawn

Hey, how did you hear about that?

Gus

Dude, you know I'm allergic to gold dust! Remember in grammar school, I had to sit at the gold-dust-free table?!

Shawn

I don't really remember grammar school, Gus. Ugh, my head hurts for some reason.

Gus

If that's true, then she's a hall-of-famer nut job.

Shawn

First ballot. In fact, I'm surprised you haven't dated her.

Gus

She's an identity thief!

Juliet

With a key to my house.

Shawn

Our house! In the middle of our street!

Gus

I can't believe we are in Santa Barbara's corridors of power....I could have made it all the way to the White House.

Shawn

Yeah, maybe as an aide.

Gus

Of course.

Shawn

Say, "Yes, Mr. President."

Gus

"Yes, Mr. President."

Shawn

Sorry, Charlie.

Shawn

It's the same motive of the biblical tale of the very first murder. Brother kills brother over multi-use retail and residential space.

Gus

What version of the Bible are you reading?

Shawn

The New Rick James Version.

Shawn

We should probably ease up on the reins a bit. You know, come up with a way to suddenly throw this thing.

Gus

I can fix that.

Shawn

Great! Gus, you are rehired as my solo campaign manager. You'll have to figure out a way to make me seem less desirable, which won't be easy.

Gus

I can fix that.

So you don't work here? Do you have a pass? Did you sign in? Hit the bricks pal!

Gus

Oh, no, he's my best friend. And he's white.

Shawn

I'm white.

Gus

Today was Bring Your White Best Friend to Work Day. Did you not get the memo?

I didn't get the memo. And even if I did, I don't have a white best friend.

Shawn

That makes two of us.

Though I am an avid camper.

Juliet

Please tell me things haven't gotten further out of control.

Shawn

They have not.

Juliet

Are you being honest?

Shawn

Nope.

Juliet

You do realize how insane this is, right?

Gus

Yes.

Shawn

You call it insane, we call it Tuesday.

Gus

It's Thursday.

Shawn

These must be from my publisher.

Gus

You don't have a publisher. You sent pages to a printer. And it wasn't even a real printer. It was Dr. Ted.

Shawn

Gotta admit, his copywork was spot on. Top flight.

He wrote a book?

Gus

We wrote a book.

Henry

Define wrote.

Shawn

Psych's Guide to Crime Fighting for the Totally Unqualified. I'm reading excerpts at Barnes & Noble next week. It's not official. I'm just going to start reading in the middle of the store and draw a crowd.

Gus

Silences make me uncomfortable.

Shawn

It's alright Gus. I'm sure you'll be just... [goes quiet]

Gus

Don't do that Shawn!

Shawn

He asked us to sprinkle those ashes off Stern's Wharf. It's the only Jewish wharf in all of Santa Barbara, so it felt like the very least we could do.

OK. So you stopped your investigation to do this.

Shawn

Of course not, that would have been completely irresponsible.

Gus

But we put it in the back of my car. We were planning on...doing it later.

Shawn

That's right. But then...something happened.

Juliet

Don't even tell me--

Lassiter

No!

Juliet

You said it was cake mix!

Shawn

No I never said that.

Juliet

Yes you did you said you and Gus were gonna go home and you were gonna make homemade Twinkies!

Shawn

OK, now you're just making stuff up, sweetie.