Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Lassiter

I want our killer--

Shawn

Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus

Arsassin.

Lassiter

This could be our killer.

Shawn

Furderer.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

Fire murderer... furderer.

Shawn

We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus

What?

Shawn

Firearsman.

Gus

Uh-uh.

Shawn

Señor pantalones del fuego?

Gus

And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.

Shawn

Would you stop with the dalmatians already?

Gus

I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.

Shawn

They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.

Shawn

So, kiddies, always remember to put out your cigarettes when you are finished smoking them.

Excuse me!

Shawn

Uh, I mean, uh, don't smoke, uh, in bed... Or in restaurants... Or in caves.

No smoking, absolutely no smoking.

Gus

And don't listen to anyone who says that a pipe is cool, because I'm telling it is not.

Get out, get out, get out!

Shawn

I accidentally mixed up Fire Chief Dan's phone with mine. They're similar shapes and my hand was in his jacket pocket.

Gus

You stole his phone?

Shawn

He was throwing us out! Gus, I plead the third.

Gus

The third amendment is no soldier can live in your house against your will. You mean the fifth.

Shawn

Yeah, I've heard it both ways.

Gus

I plead the Fifth.

Shawn

Mmm, element, dimension, Beatle?

Gus

You can't plead Billy Preston.

Gus

I think I have a bruise from all that CPR... can you see it?

Shawn

All I see is chocolate with hair on it.

Henry

I warned you Shawn, fire fighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off of the pole!

Shawn

And you succeeded dad... in every conceivable way.

Shawn

Guys, please. Can we come up a term that covers both a killer AND an arsonist? How about "arsassin"?

Lassiter

I want our killer--

Shawn

Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus

Arsassin.

Shawn

We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus

What?

Shawn

Firearsman.

Gus

Uh-uh.

Shawn

Señor pantalones del fuego?

Lassiter

This could be our killer.

Shawn

Furderer.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

Fire murderer...furderer.

Are you sure?

Shawn

I'm Al B. Sure watching Diane Schuur apply Sure roll-on while viewing The Sure Thing.

That's pretty sure.

Shawn

That's all-day sure.

Shawn

How do I look, Jules?

Juliet

Like my 11-year-old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.

Shawn

Your 11-year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy? That's weird.

Shawn

How do I look?

Gus

Like an idiot.

Shawn

Sweet.

Gus

You know what they do on those massage tables? They massage men. Big, hairy, men. Let me be very clear: these hands are not touching anybody. I only use these hands to touch myself. ...Let me rephrase that.

Shawn

Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.

Shawn

Does this ring a bell? "No, Shawn, I have not had any naughty dreams about you." And, "Yes, Shawn, I do wish Gus was never born so that I could be your partner."

Gus

What?

Shawn

True story.

Gus

That's messed up.

Juliet

I never said that, Gus.

The night before I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called "fries quatro quesos dos fritos"; you know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four-cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and a nacho chili sour cream? Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guys with the curlicues on his face tell the other guy in the corner table about the assassination plot.

Shawn

Can that be true?

Gus

No way.

Shawn

I mean, is that even possible?

Gus

I couldn't imagine it!

Shawn

There's no way they could prepare a fry like that; that'd be way too much for the... for the human palate to manage!

Gus

It would be a flavor seizure.

Gentlemen, please, don't be ridiculous.

Shawn

The Chief's right; let's just, just take a minute here to think this through. [pauses] They must be parboiling the potato first.

Gus

Is this about pride?

Shawn

I got these jeans at a garage, not a garage sale, a garage. Clearly pride is not an issue for me.