Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Lassiter

I'm gonna kill you Spencer.

Shawn

I never told you that the victim wasn't a sea lion.

What are you guys doing out here?

Shawn

Oh, you know. Just, uh, hiding from sharks. You know, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on so we kicked ours off.

Uh, that's not how sharks work at all.

Shawn

Regular sharks. Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically-altered, shark-like beasts here, in this area of the water. They can smell the light.

Gus

They also type.

Shawn

True. Not well, but they're sharks...so it's still impressive.

Shawn

And I've been doing something I liked to call "stalling". And Rutger Hauer calls "schtalling".

Why?

Gus

Because he's Dutch.

Young Shawn

Did you get me a pinata?

Henry

Nope.

Young Shawn

Pepsi challenge?

Henry

Nope.

Young Shawn

Am I being executed?

Shawn

It's just stupid, that's all. I mean, if he didnt have any hair then no one had any business calling him Fuzzy Wuzzy."

Gus

They were being ironic, Shawn.

Shawn

Yeah, but he wasn't fuzzy, was he?!

Gus

No, he wasn't! Irony, Shawn!

Shawn

My point precisely!

Gus

I'm still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn't shoot Chavez?

Shawn

It's relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.

Gus

No, that was Descartes.

Shawn

That was the cologne we wore in high school.

Gus

That was Drakkar Noir.

Shawn

No, that's a wine.

Gus

That's pinot noir.

Shawn

What are you, the Great Gatsby? Going to do a little swan-watching with Daisy Buchanan later?

Gus

Wow, how did you come up with that one?

Shawn

Eighth grade summer reading, whaaaat.

Shawn

Of course we'll help you. You're like our brother.

Gus

[winces] eh.

Shawn

Stepbrother?

Gus

[winces] eh.

Shawn

Weird kid who lives down the street and eats nothing but mayonnaise on Saltines?

Shawn

Lassie, good news - we got you a grape one.

Lassiter

Told you I don't want a Popsicle.

Shawn

Ah, I guess we'll have to share this one.

Gus

How do you share a Popsicle?

Shawn

I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick.

Shawn

It's time to go into stealth mode.

Gus

Stealth mode? Hit The Jackal switch!

Gus

Did you know that before he stabbed a guy, he was a life coach?

Shawn

Who would hire him as a life coach?

Gus

The guy he stabbed!

Shawn

Looks like it's stealth mode for us, partner.

Gus

Stealth mode? Hit The Jackal switch!

Henry

Can you even name a famous fireman?

Young Shawn

...Smokey the Bear?

Henry

First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he's not real. Number three, HE'S A BEAR! He takes his poops in the woods, is that what you want?

Vick

Who gave you access to the file room?

Shawn

Irrelevant! And, immaterial.

Lassiter

Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?

Vick

Mr. Spencer...

Shawn

He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.

You're an idiot.

Shawn

That's less compelling. Move to strike.

Please remove him.

Lassiter

Gladly.

Shawn

Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.

Lassiter

A dead body changes things.

Shawn

That's his email signature.