Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

Don't you see what's happening here, Gus? We are simply pawns in a bitter sibling feud.

Gus

I am nobody's pawn, Shawn. I'm a Queen.

Shawn

Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua. I have a foolproof plan that solves the case and gives the Chief all the credit.

Gus

What is it?

Shawn

Actually, all I have is the phrase "I have a foolproof plan." Beyond that, I'm wide open.

Gus

What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?!

Shawn

The "put" part. "Stay put"? I wasn't put in the first place, Gus! The expression is a complete disaster!

Gus

I never thought I would hear you say that.

Shawn

Even more than "sinkhole sissy-feet flapjack go-go boots"?

Shawn

You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You'll get picked up for mopery.

Gus

Mopery?

Shawn

With intent to creep. Trust me, it'll kick a big hole in your future.

Shawn

Oh thank God!

Gus

Thank God? It's a dead person!

Shawn

Yeah, but it's not Juliet.

Gus

It's still a human being, Shawn; it's Westwood. What's the matter with you?

Shawn

You're saying you'd rather it be someone we knew and care about? Fine, next time I see Jules I'll just tell her you wish she was dead.

Shawn

They stole a DVD of Spanglish, clearly they were not after the merchandise.

Gus

That's not exactly hard evidence, Shawn.

Shawn

Thank you, Professor No Help.

Gus

What?

Shawn

I'm sorry, did you miss that? Maybe I should have said "MC No Help" or "Doctor Do Nothing" because you're bringing nothing to the table!

Gus

You're not coming in? You're gonna make me stand in that deposit line all by myself?

Shawn

Nope buddy, I will be with you in spirit like a tiny wood nymph. Besides, what's your glitch with the ATM machine anyway?

Gus

It's a people thing Shawn. Business should always be done face to face.

Shawn

Well, if you remember, I'm holding a bit of a grudge against this particular banking institution.

Gus

Why? Because they turned you down for a small business loan last year?

Shawn

Yes because they turned me down for a small business loan that was completely legitimate, Gus.

Gus

Shawn, it was for a zip line pulley system to transport snacks from the kitchen to your desk.

Shawn

Or the reception area. What's your point?

Gus

Part of a running a business together Shawn, is sharing in the responsibilities of the business side of the business. Like making deposits.

Shawn

What about the bidness side because I feel like I'm more of a bidness man. Who's covering that?

Gus

You know what? Fine. I'll do it myself.

Gus

We're in a hostage situation, Shawn. You don't get that?

Shawn

I do get it. What I don't get is the bulletproof vest over the shirt. What is that?

Shawn

You know I'm not really a regular person, right Phil?

What does that mean?

Shawn

'Cause I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting. The French call it "du fromage," which, roughly translated, means "of cheese."

Shawn

Eight pies, four of them are vegetable. [Turns back from the bank]

Is this guy for real?

Shawn

No pepperoni?! Really?! Plus the blatant disregard and utter criminal lack of ham and pineapple. What kind of a good faith negotiation is this? I mean, this is a hostage negotiation!

Well, I don't care if you're not happy with the ingredients. Put the pizzas down and walk away!

Shawn

Told you so. Touché.

Gus

You can't touché your self.

Shawn

Sure I can. Your bad.

Gus

It's not my bad. You can't “my bad” for someone else.

Shawn

Yeah, but you ain't mad at it, though. Know what you saying?

Henry

Well, fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.

Shawn

No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. [pause] I think I peaked too soon.

Gus

Are you wearing sweat pants?

Shawn

These are my sneaking around pants. Don't be jealous, I got you a matching pair.

Gus

You're dressing up for her.

Shawn

Dressing up? Dude, I'm wearing sweats and this ridiculous lime-green jacket.

Gus

That's my lime-green jacket, Shawn. And it's only for players.

Shawn

[spelling] T-H-E-S-E-A-L-I-O-N.

Lassiter

Thesealion? Is that French?

Pinniped.