Jeremy quotes from Peep Show

Mark

What? You don't have to be a paedophile to want to work with children.

Jeremy

But it probably helps.

Mark

I spent five happy years in the scouts! And never once...

Jeremy

[Interrupting] You told me kinky Leyton was all over you.

Mark

Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run around the camp in your pants... But it was old style paedoing, before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).

Super Hans

Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?

Jeremy

[A beat] No

Thanks

Jeremy

Are you tripping?

Shit I'm seeing, I fucking hope so

Cally

Any questions?

Super Hans

Yeah, there are certain countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering. You got a problem with that?

Cally

Nope

Jeremy

I'm a very sexual performer. Are you going to be able to handle that?

Cally

[Scoffs] Yes!

Jeremy

We'd be selling our souls.

Super Hans

Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.

Jeremy

She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer.

Mark

It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before.

Jeremy

Oh, you're fine, mate. Stick with Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.

Mark

Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long

Jeremy

That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point.

Jeremy

So, did Cally tell you about her and me...much?

Mark

No, no, God no. Don't worry, nothing like that. (She stopped him in the middle! I'll save that for a rainy day! That's money in the bank!)

Mark

OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.

Jeremy

Jesus.. You are something else.

Mark

Thank you very much.

Jeremy

(He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)

Jeremy

Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!

Mark

(At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)

Jeremy

..what's?

Mark

Fire alarm.

Jeremy

Oh God, look at you. Frightened little mouse.

Mark

It's a fire alarm Jeremy!

Jeremy

Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...

Mark

So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?

Jeremy

Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my possessions! I'm so important and flammable!

Mark

Is this a test?

No, not a test.

Jeremy

Come on, Mark! Fucking hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!

Jeremy

They've really screwed us, man!

Mark

They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.

Jeremy

Fork my leg.

Mark

I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!

Jeremy

Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!

Mark

Yes it does.

Jeremy

Oh God. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!