Super Hans quotes from Peep Show

Jeremy

We'd be selling our souls.

Super Hans

Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.

Super Hans

All right Jez.

Yeah, um, just an idea, would it be okay mate if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?

Super Hans

Uh, widely acknowledged to have nicked our sound.

The Chemical Brothers.

Super Hans

Correct. Bullshitters turning wank into cash.

Flaming Lips?

Super Hans

Correct. Oh, arsehole.

LCD Soundsystem.

Super Hans

Fakers.

Pavement.

Super Hans

Yep. Oh, we thought we had her number, and you got a bit over-excited, but it turned out to be a not very funny joke?

Lily Allen.

Super Hans

Correct. Phonies.

Foo Fighters.

Super Hans

Yeah. Oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob.

Mumford & Sons?

Super Hans

Mmmm.

That's your lot.

(I'm so good at this. But I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.)

Super Hans

I'm guessing: cat

Mark

(Yes, and this cat's going to help me lure Dobby in, like a classic 70s paedo with a Ford Granada.)

Super Hans

I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me. You, you're a pure chrome dildo. Solid.

Mark

OK, everything's out. What now?

We could tie him to a hot air balloon. Then he would drift away out of the window.

Mark

Um...

You like that? The hot air balloon? Or punch him, Hans?

Super Hans

What you looking at me for? You punch him. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah? Fart on his face.

Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down. Attack his beliefs.

Super Hans

Yeah. That, plus we fart.

Mark

What is this, farty Guantanamo?

Super Hans

Look, I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge amount of respect for you, yeah? When UKIP come to round us all up, you'll be there, won't you, at the barricades saying "No"?

Mark

Oh, that's... that's very nice of you to say, Hans.

Super Hans

Yeah. So, it's like this. I want you to be best man at my wedding.

Mark

Best Man? What about Jez?

Super Hans

Molly hates him. I need a... norm. And you, well you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, Beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar Cheese and Chicken Tikka Masala man.

Mark

...Thank you? (There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge, flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons.)

Super Hans

[To Mark] That's what real mates do. They take a pounding, but they still come up smiling. Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed.

God, has the entire world seen this fucking video?! I came here to talk to someone about this. Get some perspective. Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments!

I don't like it. It smells of crime.

Super Hans

You'll be well compensated. Money up front. I'm talking five figures.

Five figures?

Super Hans

Well, there's a decimal place after the first three figures.

So three figures?

Super Hans

Five figures total. Three figures actual.