Super Hans quotes from Peep Show

I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?

Super Hans

Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

Yeah OK!

Super Hans

Did you try to section me?

Jeremy

No. (That sounded convincing.)

Right well, let's crack on.

Super Hans

Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

Jeremy

But what's Blair going to do?

Super Hans

Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.

Jeremy

Or maybe he'll form a political supergroup. Blair, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.

Super Hans

Yeah, that's definitely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.

Super Hans

Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?

Sorry, I didn't think.

Super Hans

Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!

Did you do it?

Super Hans

'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

Nancy

What's going on? Who's wanking who off?

Super Hans

Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.

No I haven't! It's not -

Nancy

Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

What do you mean that is so me? That is not so me.

Super Hans

Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?

I think that what's happening is maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!

Super Hans

Have you read the Big Beat Manifesto lately?

Did we write it down?

Super Hans

The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".

Right. At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy.

Super Hans

I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we'd do we've ever had.

Oh yeah. 'cause sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

What's going on?

Super Hans

Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.

What did you do to him?

Super Hans

Nothing...jesus...

He's a fucker!

Has he been sucking you off?

Super Hans

No! Of course not...

Yes.

Super Hans

Well...maybe once...

What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

What's going on?

Super Hans

He wants to go home.

Super Hans

It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.

Mark

I think they're trying.

Super Hans

Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.

Super Hans

I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?

Mark

A river.

Super Hans

Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Mark

I think that's the wrong answer section.

Super Hans

Fuck this shit!

Super Hans

Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?

Jeremy

[A beat] No

Thanks

Jeremy

Are you tripping?

Shit I'm seeing, I fucking hope so

Mark

It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.

Well, it's not bum-rape, no.

Super Hans

Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.

Cally

Any questions?

Super Hans

Yeah, there are certain countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering. You got a problem with that?

Cally

Nope

Jeremy

I'm a very sexual performer. Are you going to be able to handle that?

Cally

[Scoffs] Yes!