Jez quotes from Peep Show

This is a chain-on scenario.

I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation...you've got my details. (Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style. Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where's the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I could use. [pulls out a £20 note] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country.)

So that's what it comes down to, is it? You don't want to bone me, so I'm out - it's that brutal. Have you seen the old man, down by the seaman's mission? Yes - not very fuckable, is he?

Twenty thousand pounds. I'm going to be a millionaire!

You've got sarcasm. I've got a big gun.

How was the rest of your evening with Peaches Stalin?

It sounds like you've been raped, by a soldier, like in a Mike Leigh film.

If they can't get to Corfu, they can't spend my money. That's physics.

I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.

Always wipe, Mark. Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe. That's the rhyme.

I don't want to take another wank bullet. What, am I some kind of wank shield?!

It's a great boiler, it's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel. It's like the Jesus and Mary Chain of central heating control systems, difficult to get into initially, but then- so much to explore!

Me and this Gail, we're just eating from different sides of the plate. I play woodwind, she's on brass.

I’m like Raffles! No? No clothes for Raffles. Raffles doesn’t deserve clothes.

You've known for two whole days! That's...sick!