Jez quotes from Peep Show

So I was gonna twat this geezer, and then it turns out they were both Polish!

Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!

I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.

If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing.

It's probably some young black kid who's been accused of stealing a bun, and I'm going to set him free.

Oh that is typical. "Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but ... Tony Blair can?"

Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesn't work, does it? It just makes a mess.

Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought it might just have been a joke.

[To Sophie's father] He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?

[after joining Nancy in the sauna] (Could use my sauna line.) Phwoor. Cor, it's like a sauna in here! [Nancy laughs] (Classic line. That is just a great line. Gotta manoeuvre more dates into saunas.)

Still, there are worse places to get trapped, right? I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now!

Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.

God I am dying for a piss. I feel like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me. And not in a good way.

(This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out 'till eleven, and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! I could do anything. I'm golden!) [gives his ticket to a tramp] Here you go, mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit.