Mark quotes from Peep Show

Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?

Mark

Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

Mark

Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?

Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!

Mark

No, it isn't.

Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!

Mark

We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.

Jeremy

Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

Mark

[Dividing up his chocolate] There's seven segments, so that three each and one left over which is mine since... it's all mine.

Jeremy

Oh, the spirit of the The Blitz lives on. Fuckin' hell.

Jeremy

Why were you phoning me anyway, you big idiot?

Mark

Well, I wanted to talk some stuff through with someone didn't I? You big.. dick.

Jeremy

What stuff? You're not having gay feelings again Mark?

Mark

No, one time that happened.

Jeremy

So you accepted the acceptance?

Mark

I had to .. it was check mate.

Jeremy

I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend.

Mark

Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar Milk, a small bag of marijuana, and a pirated DVD of Anchorman are not important things.

Oh, you grew a beard. Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.

Mark

Thank you. You're obviously very attractive, too. (Ugh! What am I going to do next? Tell her she's got lovely tits?)

Mark

This zip... there's no pocket to this zip!

Sophie

So?

Mark

(So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)

Mark

Please, no. Please tell me no.

What?

Mark

That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.

Nothing is going on there.

Mark

Let's just say nothing's going on there.

Yeah. [Pause] Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -

Mark

Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!

She's hot.

Mark

She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!

I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.

Mark

Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting.

(I am James Bond.)

Sophie

[to Mark and her father] Hey, nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?

Mark

Oh, just...metal. (And the fact that I don't really love you)

Sophie

Bye. Love you!

Mark

I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

Mark

Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!

Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.

Mark

Great.

Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

Mark

(Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)

Sophie

...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.

Mark

No, I didn't.

Sophie

Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.

Mark

That was an accident.

Sophie

No it wasn't.

Mark

But it could have been. I was careful to make sure that it could have been.