Mark quotes from Peep Show

Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?

Mark

Honestly?

Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.

Mark

Then... yeah, absolutely.

Alright mate?

Will you lend us your phone mate?

Mark

[startled]...What?

Lend us your fuckin' phone!

Mark

Why?

Well I need to make a call.

Mark

....Dont you have your own phone?

Come on, lend us your phone.

Mark

Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!

Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?

Mark

No! God, no! It's just a... It's a BlackBerry and....

Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!

Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!

Mark

(Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) [Hands over the phone]

Is that it? You got nothin' else?

Mark

[meekly] ...Yes

What else?

Mark

There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)

[They laugh at Mark's photo] Alright, now piss off!

Mark

[inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.

FASTER...

Mark

I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -

FASTER!!

Mark

[running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.

"You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen 'Mad Max', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!

Mark

Mad Max isn't necessarily going to happen.

You're still living in your Hitchhiker's Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

Jeremy

"If you build it, they will come". That's my market research.

Mark

Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That's your role model?

Mark

She's very ill. We need to get her to someone-

Jeremy

Who has more responsibility for her than us.

Mark

Exactly.

You da man!

Mark

I'm a man!

It's you da man.

Mark

Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a man!

I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper.

Mark

That's your plan is it?

Mark

[knocking on the locked bedroom door] Open up! Open up, you bloody arsehole!

Mark, I'm sorry, but can you please keep down the banging?

Mark

You bloody - I can't believe you!

Look, please, be quiet, okay?

Mark

[shaking the door handle] Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

[slips a takeaway bag under the door] Do your business in there if you have to. God, you're disgusting.

Mark

(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

Is that... normal pooing you're doing?

Mark

Yep, oh yeah.

Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal.

Mark

It is, honestly.

This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team!

Mark

Promise me you will not try to sleep with her.

I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

Mark

So. You slept with her. You promised.

I promised to try not to.

Mark

Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you.

Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark

Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.

Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.

Mark

Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?

No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

Mark

You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.

No I wouldn't!

Mark

You still don't understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven.

It's a complicated film.

Mark

It really isn't.

Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of "if it feels good, do it".

Mark

Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law?

It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!