Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

[Jeremy and Super Hans are trying to intimidate Gog] There, we have our answer. Can we please leave!?

Super Hans

We have to hurt him now, out of principle. Hit him with the fucking bat Jez.

Jeremy

Why do I have to hit him? Punch him with the glove.

Super Hans

Punch him? [holds up baseball glove] I can't even make a fist.

Nancy

Why don't they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely?

Mark

Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, that'd be good - except it would take forever.

Mark

(Do a Columbo, do a Columbo.) [To shoe shop assistant] Just remind me, which university was it April's gone to again?

Dartmouth.

Mark

Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. (Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.)

I thought you did do Ancient History.

Mark

I did business studies Jeremy. For three years. And I talked to you about it daily.

(I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)

Oh well, that's all ancient history now!

Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.

Mark

Yes, confused.

There's no quim likes to party...

Mark

...like the quim down in Darty!

Who's your tutor?

Mark

[scanning noticeboard behind her] (Professor... Netball?, Keyser Söze?, MacLeish!)

Mark

If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.

Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. [Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]

Mark

And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.

No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.

Mark

Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!

But you said... what about your mum's life?

Mark

What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?

Mark

Does... does he beat you, Soph?

Sophie

God, no. He broke a plate once, but...

Mark

Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?

Sophie

No, never. It's nothing like that.

Mark

He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.

Sophie

No.

Hey, Soph. You alright?

Sophie

Yeah, just getting my head together.

Mark

Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

Jeff

Hello?

Mark

You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff

I need to see Soph.

Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark

Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff

Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark

I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff

How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff

Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark

No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff

Let me in, Jez! Please!

(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark

[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie

Let him in, Mark.

Mark

[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie

Just open the door, we need to talk.

Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Mark

(Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)

Hi there

Mark

Hi, hi, say isn't it funny all the coffee, what's with all the coffee? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)

Hey Mark, how's it going?

Mark

Hey Karen, pretty good, and you?

Good thanks

Mark

It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. [Karen giggles] (Hey! Look at me go, I'm charming!) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime?

Well that sounds nice

Mark

(I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.)

Super Hans

Where might you find a diphthong?

Mark

It's an element of speech.

Super Hans

Where might you find one?

Mark

In a word?