Mark quotes from Peep Show

You're a posh spaz.

Mark

Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.

Mark

I do not iron my socks!

Socks, shirts, whatever!

Mark

See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, many wanted to submit...

Toni

Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.

Mark

No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

Mark

How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie

Why, do I smell?

Mark

God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.

Mark

You're doing pyramid selling?!

No, no, not pyramid selling.

Mark

I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.

Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!

Mark

Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".

Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?

Mark

I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.

I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.

Mark

Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

But, yeah, if you get in early ...

You're pissing on my bonfire!

Mark

There is no bonfire!

That's because you keep pissing on it!

I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.

Mark

Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?

Sophie

Are you sure you can get home from here?

Mark

Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It's kind of a fun way...

Mark

Is it therapy?

Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.

Mark

(He's trying to therapise me.)

Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.

Mark

(Snake-pit.) Snake... charmer.

Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.

Mark

(Everything.) ...not everything.

Children.

Mark

(Blind.) Uh, short.

Father.

Mark

(Führer.) Football.

Mother

Mark

(Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!

Have you ever done a Rorschach test? Just tell me what you see.

Mark

(A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat) ...a kitten?

Mark

It's payback time.

And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

Sophie

I hope when you're back on my team, we can get back to normal.

Mark

Your team? (Heal and grow. Heal and grow.) Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.

Sophie

Oh, if you're gonna be like that, you can fuck off.

Sophie

Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...

Mark

Right yeah... I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

Sophie

[confused] ...yeah.

Mark

(You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a bloody brief candle.

There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!

Mark

That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

Mark

Jeremy, what is Super Hans doing?

Jeremy

[observes Super Hans] He's honking on his crackpipe.

Mark

Crack! Jeremy! I have company!

Jeremy

Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. "Look at Me, I'm Mark. I'm dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s."