I think I should drive you to the hospital.
[In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post hence?
...
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.
My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.
[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing off her thong.]
[gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!
Hello Tammy.
Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
And?
Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?
[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]
Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.
[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]
Oh my God she's amazing...
[chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
A relationship!? With whom!?
A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Sounds like a real whore.
Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.
Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.
Nice.
Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.
Okay. How about some calzones?
Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.
Seriously?
This is embarrassing for you.
I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.
Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.
Ugh!
I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!
[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two again.]
[on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.
Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
Wow! Where ya going?
Jerry!
We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.
Oh God!
[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]
Tammy! That's enough!
Hey Baby!
You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...
Hey!
..reminded me what kind of monster you are.
You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
[Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.
[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]
DThe Douche
Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
CICrazy Ira
You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
DThe Douche
Oh, that's right - to your mom!
[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean your room!"]
There's also going to be hay rides.
DThe Douche
"Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
[China Joe plays more moaning sounds]
China Joe, you are a poet!
[reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
Oh, oops. OK.
"You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.