Parks and Recreation quotes

Ben

Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!

Ellis

...What?

Ben

Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.

Ellis

[on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.

April

[grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]

Ellis

What is your problem?!

April

My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?

Ellis

Yes.

April

Do it!

April

Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.

Ben

Ha. ...And I finished that last week.

Leslie

The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.

Leslie

Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.

Andy

Woo!

Leslie

Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.

Leslie

Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.

Ann

Also seniors can be pretty ornery.

Andy

Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."

Leslie

I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!

Ann

With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.

Andy

[in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?

Ann

I don't think so no.

Andy

Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?

Donna

Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

Andy

[in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

Leslie

[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!

Ann

[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!

Leslie

Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]

Marcia

If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?

Leslie

[sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.

Ann

So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!

Leslie

There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!

Andy

I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.

Marcia

I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.

Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading at chapter three.

Leslie

[flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your Pants & No-one Is Invited...

Ann

This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!

Marcia

Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.

Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]

Ann

I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.

Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.

Ben

[on phone with Leslie] I love you.

Leslie

I love you too. What are you wearing?

Ben

I can't do that right now.

I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.

Donna

[on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.

What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.

Donna

I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.

Leslie

Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.