Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.
Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.
I never wrote it.
City Council, bitches!
You OK, boss?
No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
Who's Hot Rebecca?
She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
Oooh.
I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
[laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
No.
Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.
Thanks.
That's what makes you...
Nope.
...an amalgam. Nailed it.
Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.
I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town...
Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a child size soda?
KKathryn
Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.
Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy!
KKathryn
If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide healthier options like Water Zero.
Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per serving. Isn't that misleading?
KKathryn
The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only 60 calories.
[At a public forum]
I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses lightly.
WWoman
No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in ten years...
...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?
WWoman
Well we have lots of other problems.
Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab a slice of Za bro!
Okay.
Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
Dude! So did I! In college!
Whoa! You guys should get married!
Let's do it to it ma dudes!
MMan
I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's vaginas.
We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
MMan
Well what the hell are we doing here!?
Hey.
Hey you look weird.
So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.