[running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
[deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, I can't believe I did such a stupid thing. I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could be more idiotic?!
Well, a chicken-and-waffle joint comes to mind.
I find you guilty of harassment, and might I add, if you're hungry, go to a restaurant, for criminy's sake, or a grocery store, but leave that poor bird alone!
[Cut to the defendant: Wile E. Coyote]
[Christine is in labor in an stuck elevator]
I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.
Is there room for a person to lie down in there?
A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.
Help me.
Dan, you really got a sister?
This is true.
But you told us you were an only child.
I wanted the attention.
Gee, big age difference between the two of you.
She was kind of an accident.
Not planned, huh?
No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.
Fertile land, that bayou.
What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.
How about parents?
Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.
Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.
Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."
What?!
[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.
Next case—people vs... Ted!
Ted?!
[smugly] Good ol' Ted.
I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?
Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.
Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?
Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.
Not a lawyer?
Not a lawyer?
Not a lawyer?
MIMan in court
Not a lawyer?!
Lisette, could you read that back to me?
LLisette
[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"
Thank you.
[seeing his sister and Bull in matching bathrobes] Bull? Please, tell me you didn't sleep together.
Heavens, no. We only had sex.
Rose, do your drive?
RRose
Of course, Miss Sullivan.
Oh, good, okay. Do you know first aid?
RRose
Yes. Yes, I do.
Excellent. Okay, first aid. Do you consider yourself to be warm and friendly?
RRose
Absolutely, my dear.
Good, great, okay.
[after a wink from Christine] Got any tattoos?
RRose
Three.
Ever been in the slammer?
RRose
Twice.
What's the going price for a fifth of scotch?
RRose
$17.95.
Hit the road, jerkweed.
[Rose leaves]
You're incredible!
I know. Part of being personnel.
Ah yes, poor Dan. Most of his friends think he's guilty. [Evil laugh] What am I laughing at? I'm Dan. No, I'm not. Now, I am the Phantom of the Courthouse. And no, Inspector Pepitone, you will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because there is no justice in this building. Not yet anyway. But soon I will remedy that, I will vanquish the guilty! I will punish the wicked! [Rushes to the desk] I will take this stapler because I need one. I will raid the refrigerator [evil laugh] because the Phantom's lair is short on half and half! Now I must prepare, because my time is near. The time of... the Phantom! [Evil Laugh, runs into the couch] Ouch! The Phantom banged his shin. I'll have to take that out... on someone.
Hi, pumpkin!
TTammy
Don't "pumpkin" me, Dan Fielding. How dare you treat me the way you did last night?
Dan, what did you do to this poor girl?
Nothing!
TTammy
Exactly! I go out of my way to land the great Dan Fielding, the prince of passion, the carnal commando. And I end up with Captain Kangaroo!
[cowering] Tammy, you're upsetting me. You've never talked to me like this before.
TTammy
Get used to it, jerkface, 'cause no yuppy-trash, slimeball creep walks out on me!
Now, wait a sec... Slimeball... creep. That rings a bell, too. You were saying? [Tammy slaps him] A stinging sensation on my cheek. I remember that, too. Once more, please. [Another slap] Oh, yes. It's all coming back to me now.
TTammy
What's coming back to you?
Whoa. Every...thing!
Dan, I'm going around the world!
Big deal. I did that last night with Angela.
Friends, family, Art. You know, each and every one of us has some special qualities that make us different from everybody else. I suppose when we're all alone, we end up thinking that those qualities might make us unattractive. But you only have to look at Bull and Wanda to see that that's not true. Here are two people that were brought together because of their uniqueness, not in spite of it. Two people who may see the world differently from most, but it's just fine for each other. Two people whose uniqueness has made their love for each other that much more special. And now, it is my great pleasure to bring these two very special people together. Bull, Wanda, you have any vows you want to share?
Wanda, I promise to love you with all my heart, to share with you the secrets of my soul, and never to hog the sheets, even when my toes are frosty.
WWanda
Ditto.
Wanda, do you take Bull as your husband, to love, to honor, and to cherish as long as you both shall live?
WWanda
I do.
And Bull, do you take Wanda as your wife, to love and honor and cherish as long as you both shall live?
Okay.
Be there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now.
Or forever answer to me.
Then by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the groom.
WWanda
[like her new husband] Okay.
Miss Mass Transit did not win because I received any special favors.
Oh, come on, Dan, you have the gall to say you didn't sleep with her?
Oh, no, I slept with her.
See there?!
But I also slept with Miss Crosstown Bus, Miss Turnstile, and Miss Elevated Platform. I mean, when it came to the Miss Mass Transit Pageant, I got off at every stop.
Lisette, give me your hand.
LLisette
Why?
Well, I need it for Chapter 7: The Delicate Art of Touch.
LLisette
Well, what are you gonna do with it?
I need it so I can make you feel relaxed, now give it to me!
More surrogacy training, Dan?
Dr. Weeks's course is very thorough.
Unlike her screening process.
[holding Lisette hand in right and following instructions with left] "Foreplay should be the most important part of lovemaking. Starting with the fingers, gently trace up your partner's arm. Caress the shoulder with care, delicately massaging each muscle while isolating each key erogenous zone." [His hand goes over Lisette's face, making her very hot] What's wrong with you?
LLisette
Nothing, baby.
Huh?
LLisette
[snapping out] Boy, is my hair dirty? I think I'll go take a cold shower.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.