Night Court · Season 1
Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles"... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?
Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.
Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!
Go suck on a Tribble!
Go sit on a phaser!
OOOOHHH! [slams gavel] None of that language in my courtroom. Defense.
My clients plead innocence.
On What Grounds?!
They claim to be victims of a mind meld.
A mind meld?! Oh come on. Get real, guys. Star Trek is a TV show for crimity sakes. I'm gonna fine you each $30 and I suggest you stop living with your parents. [slams gavel]
You have no authority over us!
I beg your pardon?
We are governed by the laws of the Federation.
Is that so?! Ok, that's contempt, Chuckle! One day in the county jail! [slams gavel again]
Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
How do you know that?
A little birdie told me.
Dan, you heard that from Bull!
All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?
So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
He took you to the cleaners, huh?
[slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.
[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
I'm looking for Fielding...
IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Eat mace, bozo!
Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]
You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
I'm undercover, I put it there!
[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]
[not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]
[high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
I don't know where to start.
Were you naked?
No! No. We just kissed.
Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
[perplexed] What?
Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
[pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!
[she storms away]
[Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]
Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?
[seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.
[about the dance marathon contestants]
Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?
[into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!
[Harry just looks at him.]
[into microphone] I'll shut up now!
You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
Oh? What happened to him?
He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
What were you doing?
[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
[shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!
Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?
Who's Fielding?
I am, Your Honor.
Get your butt up here and state your grievance. [Dan takes the stand.] Briefly, very briefly.
[stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!
[pause]
You may elaborate.
He comes offers me a great job. I should have suspected immediately, but he distracted me with the couch money there. He tells me his partner's son is in jail, makes him sound like an altar boy, so I decided to get him out before some biker starts calling him Baby Cakes. Well, before I find out he's a walking crime wave, it's too late. Honest.
[after his opening statement]
[whispering] How'd I sound?
Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.
[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]
You're broke, aren't you?
You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.
Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.
Are you suggesting I'm unfair?
You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses people who don't even know me.
They were all women you slept with.
That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.
I'll take that into account. Anything else?
Yes. I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very valuable lesson. You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you. As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while slopping hogs. I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All these years, I kept dreaming, and then suddenly, I had the opportunity to become one of you. To my own surprise, I said no. Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even any better than the pigs.
Women'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.
You've had a lot of experience, Judge?
Me? Me? Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine. Drawn. Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.
You could make a phone call.
Yeah, but it'd be a long phone call.
Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
Why was that?
[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
