Joe Garelli quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe

Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe

Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill

Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave

Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill

Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

[in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!

Joe

Dude, you're not Matthew.

Okay, obviously.

Joe

No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.

Beth

So what's wrong with it?

Joe

I can't seem to find any wires.

Dave

Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?

Joe

That's a secret.

Joe

Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa

I broke into a library.

Beth

To vandalize it?

Lisa

No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Joe

Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

Bill

Why not?

Joe

Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Joe

Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.

How much do they have now?

Joe

None.

So, I guess they just want some.

Joe

Yeah.

Will you fix my glasses?

Joe

Sure.

Nice doing business with you.

Bill

[to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave

He changes it every week.

Bill

Why do you do that?

Security.

Joe

Big Brother?

My whole damn family, actually.

Dave

I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.

Joe

You want me to kill him?

Dave

No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Max

You there! Who are you?

Joe

Joe, the electrician.

Max

I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!

Joe

You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?

Max

You are no help to me and obviously drunk!

Dave

Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.

Joe

Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.

Dave

Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?

Joe

Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.

Dave

Sure, not anymore!

Joe

Dude... even I admitted that was wrong.

Joe

This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.

Beth

Charles Bronson week on TNT?

Joe

Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.

Joe

I guess you owe me a t-shirt.

Dave

What t-shirt?

Joe

One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me."

Dave

Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that t-shirt away from my father.