Lisa Miller quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.

Bill

Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!

Lisa

Bill, that's a lie.

Bill

Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

Lisa

Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?

Dave

Oh, that was different.

Lisa

Why?

Dave

Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.

Lisa

It was still flattering, wasn't it?

Dave

Oh, lord, yes.

Lisa

I'm a woman, right?

Dave

Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...

Lisa

Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.

Matthew

Yeah, I've been there.

Lisa

You don't wear a corset, Matthew.

Matthew

Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.

Dave

There are things in this life worth living for.

Lisa

Like love?

Dave

I was talking about coffee. By the way, do you have any?

Lisa

Love?

Dave

No. Coffee.

Lisa

No.

Dave

Well, then what's the point? [drowns himself]

Lisa

How could you do that?

Max

Do what?

Lisa

Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.

Max

You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish.

Lisa

First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.

Max

That's part of the pinish!

Lisa

You are pathetic.

Max

Well, obviously!

Lisa

I don't want to be a pawn in a corporate game.

Dave

Why not? It's fun.

Lisa

Is Matthew still out there?

Dave

Yes. Is there a problem?

Lisa

Matthew's out there.

Dave

Well, that's a problem we all have to face on a daily basis.

You know who Guggenheim was?

Lisa

Yes, Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.

Wrong. He was some guy who built an ugly museum, named it after himself. But, when people see it they go "Hey, Guggenheim." What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothin'. A big, fat nothin'.

Lisa

Sir, you are hardly nothing.

Well, you're right. M-maybe I'm not nothin'.

Lisa

Of course you're not nothing.

I'm Jimmy James!

Lisa

That's right!

Jimmy James!

Lisa

The one and only Jimmy James!

Yeah, the guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim!

Lisa

No, sir, no!

Beth

All dogs are male, all cats are female.

Lisa

Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.

Max

We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.

Lisa

Sex and gender are the same thing.

Max

Not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.

Lisa

Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.

Lisa

[on the phone] My marriage is tomorrow, and I don't care if you had a previous engagement. An oral agreement is like a contract to me. Well, same to you, buddy!

Beth

Caterers?

Lisa

Parents.

Lisa

Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.

You can't copyright any employee's name.

Lisa

See?

Because I own the copyrights to all your names.

What?

When are you people going to start reading your contracts?

Max

I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that.

Lisa

Euthanasia?

Lisa

[on who to fire] I think there's a much more humane way of dealing with this.

Dave

Hmm, a humane way. Hmm. I prefer terror.

Lisa

Look, why don't you give them a simple task - say, writing up a job description - and hold them to it.

Dave

Yeah, and what's the point in that?

Lisa

Well, it makes them think about what they have to do, and it helps you.

Dave

Uh-huh, and what if they fail?

Lisa

Then you can fire them. Fire 'em all. But they won't fail. I won't let them.

Dave

Uh-huh. That's delightful! Prolong the terror, yes! The axe hangs, but it does not fall... not yet.