Mr. James quotes from NewsRadio

No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.

Hi, everyone.

Matthew

Planbee...what an interesting name...

Call me Andrea.

Matthew

Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?

Lisa

If I have to, sir.

So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?

Lisa

Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.

That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.

Lisa

Guy stuff? I can do that.

No...

Lisa

Yes, I can, try me.

You think?

Lisa

Yes.

That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

Joe

Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.

How much do they have now?

Joe

None.

So, I guess they just want some.

Joe

Yeah.

Will you fix my glasses?

Joe

Sure.

Nice doing business with you.

Bill

[to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave

He changes it every week.

Bill

Why do you do that?

Security.

Joe

Big Brother?

My whole damn family, actually.

Beth

But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?

Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Bill

Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?

Go ahead.

Bill

Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.

Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?

Dave

Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?

Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.

Dave

This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?

No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.

Dave

[groans]

I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.

Dave

What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be?

Dave

Big.

Bam.

Dave

Boom.

Love it.

Dave

Same wavelength.

You got that right.

Dave

Amen.

Yeah. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff.

Dave

Hmm. Cost?

10 million.

Dave

Result?

Immense setback.

Dave

Milk?

Spilled.

Dave

Gonna cry over it?

Not even.

Dave

Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour.

Oooh. That hurts.

Dave

Life's a bitch...

...then you die.

Dave

My...

...oh...

Dave

...my.

Dave, you know I think the world of you, but you can't deal with Johnny Johnson by yourself. He eats the hearts of guys like you for breakfast.

Dave

Sir, I'm serious.

So am I. Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur?

Johnny Johnson

While you were on the lam, your board of directors elected me CEO.

That's impossible. My board of directors would never do that. [Johnny gives him a folder; Mr. James looks inside] Of course, I didn't think my board would have naked hot tub orgies. So you blackmailed them, did you?

Johnny Johnson

No, I bribed them. I gave a naked hot tub orgy.

What's wrong with your hands?

Beth

I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.

Beth

Yeah, I know.

How did you get it?

Beth

No idea.

Dave

Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones?

Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!

[about Beth] This is serious, Dave. She's out there all alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.

Dave

Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.