Bill McNeal quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill

Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

Dave

Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?

Bill

Greed.

Dave

And what has that greed gotten you?

Bill

Money.

Dave

And what has that money gotten you?

Bill

Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!

Bill

[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave

Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill

Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

Bill

I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!

Catherine

Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.

Bill

And I've never felt freer.

Dave

Bill, these people are insane.

Bill

Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave

Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?

Bill

In real life? No.

Dave

What do you mean, in real life?

Bill

On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.

Dave

You do news, traffic, and weather.

Bill

But I mean it.

Bill

What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?

In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.

Bill

Handcuffs are made of steel.

So are scissors!!

Dave

What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?

Bill

I'm working on an act.

Dave

I thought your whole life was an act.

Beth

My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.

Bill

Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Dave

Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?

Bill

Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?

The master is correct.

Dave

You hired a butler?

Bill

I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Joe

Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

Bill

Why not?

Joe

Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Bill

It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

Dave

Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?

Bill

Automotive sales.

Dave

When did you get the piano in here?

Bill

Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.

Dave

Or Steve Allen.

Bill

I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Dave

I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.

Bill

[nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Bill

[to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave

He changes it every week.

Bill

Why do you do that?

Security.

Joe

Big Brother?

My whole damn family, actually.