NCIS · Season 8
I don't need more money. I need more time. Just think of all the women I could've dated.
I would rather not.
Respectfully dated. [Ziva looks at him] But it's never too late. [goes to his file cabinet]
What are you doing?
Tallying up my overtime.
You got more coming Skippy. [Tony and McGee look at him] Grab your gear.
Got another all-nighter?
You can sleep when you're dead.
[to police officers] I need this area kept clear of passengers even if they claim to be my date. [Gibbs arrives at crime scene] Agent Gibbs.
Agent Borin. [smiles] We gotta stop meeting like this.
You mean when NCIS takes over one of my cases. My call was a courtesy, not an invitation.
Body trumps boat.
[Gibbs takes a look at the victim, a dead Marine officer]
[looks over Borin's blood-stained dress] That's a nice dress. Are you cold?
Tried to give him CPR. And no.
The, uh, gift shop was all out of pantsuits. [hands her some clothing] Unless you'd rather just go home.
And let you have all the fun? [takes clothing] Don't think you're getting rid of me that easily, Gibbs.
[laughs] I didn't.
[Tony is on the boat addressing the passengers]
Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me, if I could have your attention. Thank you. I know it's been a long night. Consider it your murder-mystery dinner-theater on the Potomac. Was dinner, now it's breakfast. Well, looks like Colonel Mustard was killed on the deck with a lead pipe, maybe lead bullets. [as Poirot, with a French accent] Only by interrogating each and everyone of you, individually, can we hope to see the light! [clears throat] Albert Finney doing Hercule Poirot, 1974's Murder on the Orient Express.
[The passengers stare at Tony and look at each other]
[talking to corpse] Celebrities have always existed, from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We've gone from Socrates to Snooki. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from such a frivolous lifestyle.
[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]
So, where is she?
[starts] Who?
Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
You are lying.
McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
Like what?
Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
Tony.
All right. She spent the weekend with him.
Who?
The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.
She won't even tell us his name.
[kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.
He -- he just kissed her.
Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.
[McGee sneezes]
Cover your mouth.
I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.
Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.
I need my inhaler.
I want Ziva back.
5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.
He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.
Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.
He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.
Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.
He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.
So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.
Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.
His name is Ray.
Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.
Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.
How are you holding up Leon?
How do you think? On a strict diet of paperwork and painkillers.
Since when did banks become so evil?
Since about the 12th century.
(Ziva laughs)
Not a hacker, either.
How do you know?
My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)
It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
What's your point?
My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
Erm...real funny, Tony.
(Laughs) You think I did this?
I would not put it past you.
Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
I would cancel your credit card.
Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.
(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)
These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.
The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.
Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.
(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)
Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
'Sup dude.
Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Who is Mrs Miller?
It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Oh.
It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Yeah dude.
(To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
Not every night.
Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
