NCIS quotes

McGee

So, where is she?

Tony

[starts] Who?

McGee

Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.

Tony

Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.

McGee

You are lying.

Tony

McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.

McGee

Like what?

Tony

Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.

McGee

Tony.

Tony

All right. She spent the weekend with him.

McGee

Who?

Tony

The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.

Tony

She won't even tell us his name.

Gibbs

[kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.

He -- he just kissed her.

Ducky

Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.

Tony

Cover your mouth.

McGee

I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.

Tony

Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.

McGee

I need my inhaler.

Tony

I want Ziva back.

Tony

5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.

Ziva

He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.

Tony

Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.

Ziva

He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.

Tony

Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.

Ziva

He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.

McGee

So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.

Tony

Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.

Ziva

His name is Ray.

Tony

Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.

Ziva

Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.

Gibbs

How are you holding up Leon?

Vance

How do you think? On a strict diet of paperwork and painkillers.

McGee

Since when did banks become so evil?

Tony

Since about the 12th century.

McGee

Not a hacker, either.

Ziva

How do you know?

McGee

My firewall hasn't been penetrated.

Tony

Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

McGee

It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!

Tony

Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.

McGee

What's your point?

Tony

My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?

McGee

Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.

Tony

Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

McGee

Erm...real funny, Tony.

Tony

(Laughs) You think I did this?

Ziva

I would not put it past you.

Tony

Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.

McGee

The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.

Ziva

I would cancel your credit card.

McGee

Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.

Tony

Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

Ducky

These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.

Gibbs

The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.

Ducky

Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

Tony

Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.

'Sup dude.

McGee

Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.

Tony

Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.

Ziva

Who is Mrs Miller?

Tony

It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.

Ziva

Oh.

McGee

It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!

Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.

Tony

Yeah dude.

McGee

(To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?

You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.

McGee

Not every night.

Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.

Tony

You're welcome.

(To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?

Tony

Cool it, Nick.

The thing that puzzles me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're drawn to, what is it that you are looking for? What is it that you want?

Ziva

I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?