TV show quotes
Tea and coffee. There was a time when this conversation would take place over something a bit more exciting.
Well, I'm still on the clock. No one's stopping you.
But along with several other vices, drinking is now part of my past.
You know what they say about a man with no vices?
Yes. He has incredibly annoying virtues.
Director David has left us a message.
What's that?
It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".
[sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?
More likely the Israeli embassy.
"House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --
[interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.
Okay. [she and Malachi leave]
Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --
Tony, do you know what a Golem is?
Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?
No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?
Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.
You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?
The second word was knesset - the word you removed. Beit knesset - the nearest synagogue. But just one question: why did you not trust me?
You're not with us.
Aba! Show yourself!
Are you an idiot?
We're not looking for the afikoman. He can hear us if we call him.
Yes, but you don't know who else might hear.
Aba!
[grabbing Ziva by the shoulder] You stop!
[Liat and Ziva fight on the bimah]
Stop this! [enters with Malachi] What are you doing?
[pointing to Eli] He's coming with me, Malachi.
He's not going anywhere.
Liat, you do not answer for me.
Hadar is dead. Director Vance is nearly so. Everyone has questions for you.
Then you take me to NCIS. You will have your answers.
[referring to Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on! How many people know how to build a homemade Claymore mine?
In this room? [he, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]
Okay, fine. [raises her hand]
Rule number nine.
How did you get that by security?
Never go anywhere without a knife.
There have been times I felt this job take a piece of me. Where I worried it might be gone forever.
Sometimes life surprises you.
Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva. [kisses her forehead]
Hey! That was my Danish!
Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Denied.
[after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Well, people change, Ziva.
Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
It has not stopped you before.
Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Everyone?
Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Brenda.
Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
And you feel responsible.
No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
It's clear now, isn't it?
Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Who am I?
You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.
The paparazzi's gonna love this, Ziva, How do I look?
Rough night?
Blind date. On a boat.
Nowhere to go.
[sarcastically] Overboard?
Should I call the Coast Guard?
I don't need more money. I need more time. Just think of all the women I could've dated.
I would rather not.
Respectfully dated. [Ziva looks at him] But it's never too late. [goes to his file cabinet]
What are you doing?
Tallying up my overtime.
You got more coming Skippy. [Tony and McGee look at him] Grab your gear.
Got another all-nighter?
You can sleep when you're dead.
[to police officers] I need this area kept clear of passengers even if they claim to be my date. [Gibbs arrives at crime scene] Agent Gibbs.
Agent Borin. [smiles] We gotta stop meeting like this.
You mean when NCIS takes over one of my cases. My call was a courtesy, not an invitation.
Body trumps boat.
[Gibbs takes a look at the victim, a dead Marine officer]
[looks over Borin's blood-stained dress] That's a nice dress. Are you cold?
Tried to give him CPR. And no.
The, uh, gift shop was all out of pantsuits. [hands her some clothing] Unless you'd rather just go home.
And let you have all the fun? [takes clothing] Don't think you're getting rid of me that easily, Gibbs.
[laughs] I didn't.
[Tony is on the boat addressing the passengers]
Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me, if I could have your attention. Thank you. I know it's been a long night. Consider it your murder-mystery dinner-theater on the Potomac. Was dinner, now it's breakfast. Well, looks like Colonel Mustard was killed on the deck with a lead pipe, maybe lead bullets. [as Poirot, with a French accent] Only by interrogating each and everyone of you, individually, can we hope to see the light! [clears throat] Albert Finney doing Hercule Poirot, 1974's Murder on the Orient Express.
[The passengers stare at Tony and look at each other]
[talking to corpse] Celebrities have always existed, from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We've gone from Socrates to Snooki. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from such a frivolous lifestyle.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
