Ziva: [hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as guard walks past]

Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?
Tony: Yeah?
Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her!

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Ziva: [slams Petri against the wall] We have a warrant now.
Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean "john?"
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.

Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

Ziva: Did you get her number?
Tony: Who, Courtney? No.
Ziva: I did.

Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.

Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.

Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?
Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.

Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.
Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.