NCIS quotes

Tony

[answering his phone] Director.

Leon Vance

Tell me he's alive.

Tony

He is, sir, but it's bad. They're working on him now, I'm gonna stay here 'til he's out of surgery.

Leon Vance

No, you're not. The best thing you can do for Gibbs right now is your job.

Tony

Director-

Leon Vance

If The Calling's still operating in Iraq, you need to get back there while the trail is hot.

Tony

Look sir, no one wants Daniel Budd stopped more than I do-

Leon Vance

Then we don't stop, DiNozzo. Until The Calling's dismantled and this psychopath is captured or dead. We owe Gibbs that much. Are-we-clear?

Tony

We're clear.

[before operating on Gibbs] Time to dance, Agent Gibbs. Mind if I lead?

Oh no, no, no, no, thank you! Thank you! Now let's close. I'm here all week, tip your waitresses!

Tony

You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud, and frauds don't get to speechify like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.

Palmer

(re: Abby) Can you imagine what it would be like to actually be on her bad side?

Gibbs

No, I would rather not, thank you very much.

Ducky

Well, I can confirm that the captain did indeed die from a crushed trachea. The killer used what is known in Shaolin kung fu as a "claw grip."

Palmer

It takes some serious strength for a layman to crush another person's trachea using only three fingers.

Ducky

So either you're looking for someone extremely strong...

Palmer

Or someone trained in dragon style! (strikes a one-legged kung fu pose) Waaaaa...! (laughs, then sees Gibbs and Ducky's unamused looks) I won't do that again.

Tony

[to Bishop] He can't even argue like a cool Cyborg.

McGee

When we're done here, we gotta bag all of our clothes, ok? Everything. There's this stuff called urushiol. It's in the sap, it's spreads by contact.

Bishop

That what??

McGee

Uru–– [exasperated] Just trust me, ok?

Bishop

Bad poison oak experience?

McGee

Yeah. Two of them. Thanks to Tony. Forget the trifecta. I'll never hear the end of it.

Abby

Can we just acknowledge the brain power in this room right now? We have a forensic cyber specialist, a cyber terrorist hunter and a cyber spy

Bishop

For the last time, I wasn't a spy.

Abby

We're the cyber dream team.

Bishop

Sounds official. Do we get jerseys?

Delilah

Oooh! Or secret matching decoder rings!

Tony

So on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?

Ducky

Let's just say the scale needs recalibrating. I'm afraid it is Toxicodendron pubescens, otherwise known as Eastern Poison Oak. The symptoms are itching, inflammation, blistering...

Tony

My skin feels like the surface of ten thousand suns!

Ducky

Yes, and a propensity for the dramatic.

Tony

[in interrogation] I can't speak for Tim, but I'm itchy, I'm irritated and I have a gun!

You have a very commanding voice, Agent Gibbs... and big hands.

Bishop

(sotto) Oh, boy.

Gibbs

How'd you find my house?

Former detective, remember? I could find a flea on a rat's anus.

[calls] What's in the basement?

Gibbs

Hey! None of your business, come back here!

Is it your naughty room? Want to know my safe word? "Kielbasa."

(after being released from prison after 16 years) Thank you. Thank you both.

Abby Sciuto

I'm Abby Sciuto.

I know who you are.

Abby Sciuto

(fighting tears) I'm the one who put you in here...

No. You're the one who got me out.

Jeanne Benoit? Really?