Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Tony

The Burning Bed, 1984, Farrah Fawcett

Gibbs

Torched her husband while he was sleeping. [Tony stares at him] Second wife's favorite movie.

Tony

Maybe Commander Davis' wife is going for a sequel.

McGee

Hell hath no fury...

Gibbs

...like a woman's scorn. Third wife's favorite quote.

Tony

The other husband, how kind of him. What do they say?....

Gibbs

Misery loves company.

Tony

Where'd you get that? Your fourth wife?

Tony

McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?

McGee

Don't need to see it - I lived it.

McGee

I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.

Tony

I see a fish riding a unicorn.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] Gear up!

Tony

You're not Gibbs.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] There's a gun found at a Navy base housing.

McGee

Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A: There are thousands of guns on a Navy base..

Tony

..and B: You're not Gibbs.

Abby

Ok, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test.

McGee

Doesn't warrant a team call-out. [Ziva and Tony shake their heads in unison]

Abby

And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And, it was loaded.

Ziva

Still does not warrant a call-out.

Abby

And it was recently fired.

It's not a call-out!

Gibbs

[walking into the office] You heard the lady. Gear up!

Abby

They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip. [hands coffee to Gibbs] Only you can drink the swill.

McGee

Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.

Abby

They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.

McGee

Any luck?

Abby

No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.

McGee

You ran your own home phone records?

Abby

Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Abby

Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony

Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee

Is everything okay?

Abby

No. Frank is sick.

Ziva

Who is Frank?

Abby

My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony

You name your teeth?

Abby

You don't?

McGee

Tony, I am not arguing with you.

Tony

You're arguing now.

McGee

No I am not.

Tony

Are too.

McGee

This is not an argument.

Tony

Yes it is.

McGee

(exasperated) No, it's not.

Tony

Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...

Tony

(wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?

McGee

(gives him a look) We were not arguing.

Tony

Oh, right. Yes we were.

McGee

Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.

Tony

That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.

McGee

No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.

Tony

(grins) Go onnn...

McGee

(looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony

Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?

Ziva

You're jealous.

Tony

I'm not jealous.

Ziva

Yes, you are.

Tony

No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.

McGee

Argue!

Tony

Am not!

Tony

He got a name?

Ziva

Who?

Tony

The star of David.

Ziva

Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.

Tony

Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?

Ziva

Michael.

Tony

Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.

Gibbs

Okay, grab your toothbrush.

McGee

Road trip?

Gibbs

Los Angeles.

Tony

Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?

Gibbs

Not we. [Points to McGee]

Tony

McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Tony

Here come the clowns.

McGee

The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.

Tony

Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.

McGee

Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --

Tony

But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?

Tony

No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?

Ziva

[from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.

McGee

Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.

Ziva

I'm up a tree.

McGee

Well, this might only confuse you further.

Ziva

Well, who said I was confused?

McGee

You said you were up a tree.

Ziva

I am!

Tony

Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.

Ziva

I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.

McGee

And you're the one not making sense.

Ziva

He said he called you.

Tony

[looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?

Ziva

Because I'm up a tree.

McGee

Oh.

Tony

Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.

Tony

You hit him high, I'll hit him low!

McGee

I don't like the sound of that...

Tony

You hit him low, I'll hit him high!

Tony

(v.o.) Our team consisted of a gang of four. My partner is Tim McGee: small muscles, big brain, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable... virtually.

McGee

I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!

Tony

(v.o.) Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficianado, and functional mute.

McGee

(panting) Piece of cake.

Tony

(panting) Yep, easy as pie.

McGee

(speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.

Tony

C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.

McGee

On my own time.

Tony

On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

Ziva

Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?

Tony

[nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?

Ziva

You should not have come.

Tony

All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand, but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!

Ziva

Are you all right, McGee?

McGee

I'm just glad you're alive.

Ziva

You thought I was dead?

Tony

Oh, yeah.

Ziva

Then why are you here?

Tony

McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.

Ziva

Tony! Why are you here?

Tony

[painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live without you, I guess.

Ziva

So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.

Tony

Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't know the answer to --

Ziva

I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do not deserve it.

Tony

Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Penance?

Ziva

It is justified.

Tony

Get over yourself.

Ziva

I have.

Tony

[looks to Ziva's old desk] Twenty bucks says that desk is gonna be empty by the end of next month.

Hate to disappoint you. [slams papers onto McGee's desk] My letter of resignation.

McGee

Wow, that's... uh... very long.

I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenile and just plain old annoying. [glares at Tony]

McGee

[smiles at Tony] That's true!

[to McGee] And you! You know better but you're so busy playing the faithful sidekick you're just going along for the ride. Well, I've had enough! Make sure that Agent Gibbs gets that!

Tony

Annoying!

McGee

Sidekick!