Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Tony

Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."

McGee

Your father actually said that to you?

Tony

No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.

Ziva

Probably he knew your taste in women.

Ziva

I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…

Tony

Flies.

Ziva

What do flies have to do with honey?

Tony

Flies... don't like... vinegar.

Ziva

Vinegar?

Tony

It's complicated. Here he comes.

Gibbs

Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...

Tony

You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.

Ziva

Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.

Gibbs

I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.

Tony

That's our boss.

Gibbs

Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!

Ziva

Yes!

Ziva

Inappropriate?

McGee

A bit.

Tony

That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.

Gibbs

Today!

Tony

On your six Boss!

Ziva

This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.

Tony

No it isn't, if it was you'd be dressed differently.

Ziva

And you'd be far better-looking.

Tony

You'd be dead by the opening credits.

McGee

Ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

Ziva

(About a bomb) Can you disarm it?

Gibbs

I had a couple days maybe, you?

Ziva

I could try, but I suggest not standing within five miles of here whilst I attempt it.

Ziva

[To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.

Gibbs

Only Naomi and I call him that!

Ziva

My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Sean Oliver was protecting was...

Gibbs

Sean Oliver.

Ziva

Tony and McGee are picking her up.

Gibbs

Not bad, Officer David.

Ziva

Well, I do what I can.

Gibbs

When you see the director, thank her for me.

Ziva

I agree, anyone so obviously fascinated with death has to be deeply disturbed on some level. (Abby walks behind her) I mean take these masks for instance, what kind of a person would collect such horrid looking things?

Abby

Me.

Ziva

Of course by horrid I mean finely crafted and artistic.

He said the paper mix-up could be resolved with my husband's teeth.

Jenny

If Special Agent Gibbs told you that, I'm sure it's the truth. He's one of the most knowledgeable agents I've ever worked with.

I had that impression. I'm glad he was assigned this, even it is punishment.

Jenny

[surprised] Punishment?

The new director has it in for him.

Jenny

He told you that?

Well, I've seen it before. When Parker was XO for one of the first female ship captains. Phew! The woman was a nightmare trying to prove herself.

Jenny

Special Agent Gibbs. [glares at him] I didn't know the new director was punishing you. [Gibbs smiles discreetly] She always seemed very fair to me.

Well, you're a woman. She doesn't have anything to prove to you.

Jenny

[spots the team looking on from the side and walks over to Ziva] How about you? What do you think? Do you think the new director is reasonable?

Ziva

[smiles] Very.

Ziva

What are you doing?

Tony

I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.

Ziva

On McGee's computer?

Tony

I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.

Ziva

And what's the question?

Tony

Have I no shame?

Ziva

Ow! What was that for?!

Gibbs

Alerting DiNozzo.

Tony

That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

Gibbs

I know. I know.

Tony

The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Gibbs

Ziva caved first.

Ziva

I didn't cave in! I was trying --

Gibbs

McGee next.

McGee

It wasn't --

Gibbs

And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Tony

Well I --

Gibbs

Probably all of 30 seconds.

Ziva

We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.

Tony

How do you fail an autopsy?

Ziva

By doing that. What happens if you fail here?

Gibbs

[Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

Abby

Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.

Ziva

[Incredulously] Tony and McGee?