Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Ziva

[referring to a model] You really find her attractive?

Tony

Yeah?

Ziva

Well, I want to shoot her!

Tony

[catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

Ziva

It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Tony

Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

Ziva

We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Tony

Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee

Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tony

Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee

That's not TV.

Tony

He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

Ziva

[shocked]

McGee

It's an elf lord.

Tony

[laughing] Whatever.

Gibbs

Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee

Boss, I think I might have something.

Gibbs

...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Ziva

How did she get the drugs?

She didn't! The whole point of the show was to show she wasn't that girl anymore.

Ziva

Well I'd say it backfired, large-time.

Tony

It's "big-time".

Tony

I'm not getting any reception. How about you?

Ziva

I'm bra-less.

Tony

I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.

Ziva

Don't you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Tony

Why are you on top of me?

Ziva

I'm protecting you, Tony.

Tony

Don't.

Ziva

Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.

Tony

That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.

Ziva

Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?

Tony

Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony

Hey, if this thing goes off-

Ziva

This is not your fault, I know.

Tony

No, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Ziva

If you'd had anything else on your mind, I might have.

Tony

Really?

Ziva

No.

Ziva

I can't tell where we are going.

Tony

There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --

Ziva

That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies

Tony

Hobos! Not homos.

Ziva

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...

McGee

Where are you going?

Ziva

I've been locked in a box with Tony all day. The ladies' room!

Tony

Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.

Yeah? What agency?

NCIS.

Never heard of it.

Ziva

Naval Criminal Investigative...

Never-heard-of-it.

Tony

[sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

Tony

Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?

Ziva

He called me a dirtbag.

[whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ziva

[angrier] "Ma'am"?

Tony

You haven't met our hacker.

He's good?

Ziva

Does a bear sit in the woods?

Are you the crackerjack team on this job?

Tony

She's Israeli.

Ziva

Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Ziva

Who's on the phone?

Uh, my girlfriend.

Ziva

[sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!

What?

Ziva

He's gonna have to call you back, bye!

Wait a second...!

Ziva

[hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.

I'm Ross Logan, I run this chapter of PBJ.

Ziva

Peanut butter and jelly yes?

Actually no, it stands for Perverts Bought to Justice.

Gibbs

[about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.

Ziva

Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

Tony

So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?

Ziva

You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.

Tony

Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)

Gibbs

No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!