Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Let's pay a visit to the submarine squadron commander. [walks away]

McGee

You'll wanna avoid Captain Veitch.

Gibbs

[stops in his tracks, turns to McGee] What?

McGee

Um, I met him once before... and he can be very difficult.

Gibbs

[into McGee's face] And you don't think I could be difficult?

McGee

[intimidated] I'm sure you can, sir.

Kate

[rants to Gibbs] What is this? Victorian England? The men with their cigars and brandy while the ladies sip tea in another room? To replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.

Gibbs

[calmly] You claustrophobic?

Kate

No.

Gibbs

[smiles] Good. [walks away]

Kate

I'm going?!

Tony

Don't forget to wax.

Gibbs

(puts a bottle of water in front of Kate) Drink.

Kate

What's with all the water?

Gibbs

You got to stay hydrated on a submarine!

Kate

All you've had me doing is hydrating!

Gibbs

Drink it! (after she has drunk a mouthful) So how's your bladder?

Kate

(shocked at her boss asking her that) What?

GIbbs

The COB's at the end of the passageway keeping an eye on us! You've got to distract him! (she looks at him as if to say "carry on") You're gonna need help working the toilet!

Kate

Gibbs...

Gibbs

Kate. On a submarine it's a very complicated piece of machinery!

Kate

Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?

Gibbs

I want to check out Petty Officer Thompson!

Kate

Well you don't have to drown me. You could just ask!

Gibbs

Hydrating's good for ya. Go un-hydrate!

Kate

(turns to face him) I've never heard it called that before!

Gibbs

(shooing her out the door, whispers) Go on!

Tony

Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...

Gibbs

What's wrong with priority rides?

Tony

C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?

Gibbs

Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Tony

[laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best.

Gibbs

I miss canvas seats.

Gibbs

Did I say both of you?

Kate

Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.

Tony

Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.

Abby

Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

Abby

Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.

Gibbs

How much did all this power cost us?

Abby

Around fifteen hundred.

Gibbs

Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???

Tony

[naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!

Kate

[speechless]

Gibbs

I need coffee.

Tony

I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it. 

Gibbs

Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?

Tony

(visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 

Gibbs

Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?

Kate

Makes us feel all warm inside.

Gibbs

So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Gibbs

See if you can brand the cologne.

Abby

Why, you want some?

Gibbs

Nope, don’t use cologne. The women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. Probably why i don’t date many women.

Gibbs

[sternly] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.

Tony

I do. [frantically wiping Gibbs' shirt] I booked us on the first, uh-- [Gibbs smacks Tony's hand] flight to Gitmo tomorrow...

Gibbs

Unbook it.

Tony

Haha! I knew it!

Gibbs

Navy's giving us a priority ride today.

Tony

You mean it? [Gibbs looks at him] You do mean it. Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...

Gibbs

What's wrong with priority rides?

Tony

C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?

Gibbs

Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Tony

[laughs, while on a Gulfstream jet] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best!

Gibbs

I miss canvas seats.

Tony

[naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!

Kate

[speechless]

Gibbs

I need coffee.

Tony

No!

Kate

It's the only room with a bath! Men take showers and women take baths!

Tony

Why does the woman thing come up when the ship is sinking? (sarcastically) Or when there's one room with a bath!

Gibbs

Talk to ya mañana!

Kate

What's your clearance?

Tony

Confidential.

Kate

Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?

Tony

Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.

Gibbs

Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony

They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.

Kate

Why is that?

Tony

To prove that I'm still alive.

Tony

[protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.

Kate

Then don't shoot it.

Gibbs

Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]

Kate

[protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.

Gibbs

Then don't shoot it. [walks away]

Kate

[to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.

Tony

What?

Kate

We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.

Tony

That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Gibbs

Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.

Tony

I'll bring the lighter fluid.

Kate

Deal.

Abby

Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]

Tony

You can have that one.

Tony

The eyes need to be bigger.

Kate

The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.

Tony

Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.

Gibbs

Welcome to my world, Abby.