G. Callen quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Callen

Our boy got a briefcase.

Sam

Lap top probably inside.

Callen

What are the chances of getting that away from him long enough to access the computer?

Sam

Creating a distraction and grabbing the case 10 seconds, breaking the combination if it's locked another 20, copying the files 2 minutes.

Callen

Outsmarting the bad guys?

Sam

Priceless!

Sam

(referring to Callen and Hetty) Yeah, you two are cut from the same cloth.

Callen

Hardly. Hetty is, uh, hand-painted silk. I'm more of a--

Sam

Itchy polyester?

Callen

I was gonna say denim.

Sam

Well-worn denim.

Callen

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Deeks

You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.

Kensi

Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.

Deeks

They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.

Kensi

And yet you still found room to hide your gun.

Sam

They're like Archie and Edith.

Callen

It's more like Archie and Meathead.

Sam

I’m 6’3, 225.

Callen

That is big!

Sam

It’s not big! You know, it’s above average, I’ll give you that. But I’m not like some oversized behemoth. I’ve got good proportions, see.

Callen

What is this all about?

Sam

The other night my family was watching Project Runway and all of a sudden it became funny time in the Hanna household. So they were talking about how I need a makeover.

Callen

Ah, ah, ah!

Sam

Don’t start! When I find something that works I stick with it.

Callen

I hear you! Our lives are dangerous enough without taking any fashion risks.

Sam

I tried to mix it up. I went over to Robertson to pick up some jeans over the weekend.

Callen

You bought clothes on Robertson?

Sam

No! You know why? Because they don’t carry clothes for "men my size". That’s what the guy said to me.

Callen

Wow! And he’s still alive?

Sam

When did grown men start wearing skinny jeans? Huh? Could you picture me in a pair of skinny jeans? I couldn’t fit my arm in a pair of skinny jeans.

Callen

You wore huskies as a kid, didn’t you?

Sam

Why do I talk to you?

Callen

Because even a man your size needs a friend.

Someone get this giant off my back!!

Callen

He's not a giant. He's just husky!

Nell

Uh, sorry that took so long. I was stuck behind an old man on a scooter for the past six blocks.

Callen

I'm sure he appreciated your patience.

Nell

Well, he flipped me off before I finally passed him.

Callen

He was probably just waving.

Nell

He called me a ginger bitch.

Callen

Yeah, I got nothing for that.

Callen

Think the neighbors had any idea they were living next to a drug cartel?

Sam

Like your neighbors have any idea who they're living next to.

Callen

Of course they do, a handsome bachelor.

Sam

A quiet man who keeps to himself? Classic description of a serial killer.

Sam

Hey, Kensi.

Kensi

Yeah.

Sam

What happens when Mercury is in retrograde?

Kensi

Deeks gets retro-annoying.

Deeks

Wow.

Kensi

Oh, come on. Problems happen all the time, and three times a year, we have to blame it on Mercury? Ridiculous.

Sam

Sounds like an urban myth.

Callen

It's more like a superstition.

Deeks

Don't do it, don't taunt Mercury.

Callen

Or what, the guy in the chariot's gonna stop pulling the sun around the Earth.

Granger

(about the off-the-book operation) Do you have any idea what you've done?

Callen

Retrieved our technology?

Sam

Made the world a better place?

Deeks

And looked good while doing it.

Sam

You know you have a house now. You can sleep there. That's what normal people do.

Callen

I sleep there. I do.

Sam

You're like a cat that keeps going back to its old place, even though the owners moved.

Callen

What do you want me to say? I'm a creature of habit.

Sam

Yeah, you're a creature, all right. Of bad habits.

Callen

How are you?

Kensi

Good.

Sam

Yeah?

Kensi

Really good.

Deeks

You look good. I mean that you seem good by the way that you look.

Kensi

It's because I am good.

Callen

Good.

Deeks

Good.

Sam

Good!!

Sam

Look at this. It should be illegal to mistreat cars this way. Salvaged or not.

Callen

Yup. It's bad car-ma.

Sam

[grimaces] That's as bad as these cars look.

Callen

Where's Dana Steele, Eric?

Eric

You're close. According to the tracker, she's right inside the Grand Central Market.

Sam

Yeah? Well, we're looking right inside the Grand Central Market-- it's like trying to find Waldo.

Callen

Who's Waldo?

Sam

Where's Waldo?, the kids book. [Callen looks at him blankly] He's like a goofy kid with a red and white striped shirt. [in disbelief] You don't know Waldo??

Callen

Sounds very patriotic. Look, this story is a big break for Dana. She may be able to parlay this into an anchor desk.

Sam

Yeah, thanks to a terrorist attack on American soil.

Callen

Every journalist owes tribute to the evil one.

Sam

What's that, one of Hetty's quotes?

Callen

Jean de La Fontaine. 17th century French poet.

Sam

[chuckles] You know 17th century French poets, but you don't know Waldo?

Callen

Turner still not talking?

Deeks

He's a durian.

Kensi

And, by that, he means prickly, self-protective, and hard to crack.

Sam

It's a video call from Turner. [he answers the call and the video feed shows him and Callen from behind]

[laughs] I knew you were trailing me the whole time.

Callen

Well, you're a slippery SEAL, huh?

Sam

You could've walked around.

Where's the fun in that?

Callen

[teasing] That toupee act as a flotation device for you?

It's not a toupee. Why does everybody always say that? I just have thick hair.