Sam Hanna quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Sam

Well, he's clearly past his expiration date.

Callen

What are we, if anyone asks?

Sam

Uhh, city inspectors?

Callen

No, nobody talks to city inspectors.

Sam

Okay, you're a realtor, I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.

Callen

Do I look like a realtor?

Sam

Okay, I'm a realtor, you're the guy looking for the apartment. Okay? Can we go?

Callen

Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.

Sam

Well, that's why I'm showing you, to see if, you know, you would wanna live in a place like this.

Callen

Does it have a Jacuzzi?

Sam

If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.

Sam

I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.

Callen

Great. You make sure you put some money in it.

Sam

How 'bout I put a personality in it?

Callen

Where are we with friends or lovers?

Sam

There is one stand-out, a guy.

Callen

Friend or lover?

Not really the question that had jumped out at me.

Callen

Informed guess?

He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. So, I'm leaning towards a friend.

Sam

Good call, Dom.

Sam

SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.

Callen

Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.

Hetty

What's wrong, Sam?

Sam

Why does something have to be wrong? Can't a guy get some exercise?

Hetty

Pilates is exercise. Beating the hell out of something is an aggressive expression of male frustration.

Kensi

Look you guys, I am the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charming, spontaneous, tasteful.

Sam

Like me.

Callen

And the second?

Kensi

The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.

Sam

Like G.

Sam

How fast can we get that footage off the web?

Eric

With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? [Sam looks at him] Okay, cutting through the legal tape... [types in some code and grins] I just crashed their entire server.

Hetty

[yelling from her office] Idiot hackers!!!

Eric

Uh-oh

Callen

Sam, I think we're due in the boathouse.

Sam

Walking!

Callen

Eric did it.

Sam

Hey, Hetty.

Hetty

I was watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?

Sam

So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college friend?

Callen

How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?

Sam

Oh, yeah!

I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up, you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.

Callen

I know exactly what you mean.

Sam

I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.

Callen

Two out of three ain't bad.

Hetty

What is this Mr. Callen?

Callen

Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.

Hetty

With a bloodstain.

Callen

I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.

Hetty

Good, bad or ugly, I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now it's set long enough so that it might be permanent.

Sam

Hetty, it's just a shirt.

Hetty

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.

Sam

Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.

Hetty

(to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.

Callen

I can live with black.

Callen

[to Nate] So, basically you don't have squat.

Nate

I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.

Sam

Yeah, that's what they call squat.

Callen

(About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?

Sam

It's a swan.

Callen

From where, Chernobyl?

Kensi

So, Caldwell takes Amini out and sets up Flynn to take the fall. Then tortures his foster brother, Chad Ellis, to death.

Sam

[to Nate] Shrinks have a term for someone like that, Doc?

Nate

Yeah, really screwed up.

Sam

I guess they're still working on your office.

Nate

Yup.

Sam

Know when it's going to be ready?

Nate

I don't know.

Sam

Who knows?

Nate

Hetty.

Sam

You wanna ask her?

Nate

You're armed, you ask her.

Sam

You're the psychologist.

Nate

Look, I've been trained to profile suspects and brief you guys operationally. And with three years of college, and two more years to get my masters and my doctorate when it comes to Hetty, clueless.