[From the files of Fairyland PD]
AOfficer Al
Some broad named Locks, Goldie Locks, she has barricaded herself in the three bears' house, and she got demands.
AOfficer Al
They keep changin', sometimes the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold, the bed's too hard, the bed's too soft, you know how it is with dames!
[...]
[after Goldie Locks hits him on the head with a frying pan] I think this calls for a little undercover work. [Puts on glasses] Yeah.
Oh, no, Bobo, she'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
We'll see. Yoohoo, miss Locks!
GLGoldie Locks
Say, er, you're not the bear that was here before, you're a... completely different bear.
GLGoldie Locks
I'll be right back.
[singing] I told you, I told you!
GLGoldie Locks
Oh, yoohoo, oh, completely different bear!
Yes? [Goldie hits him on the head with a frying pan] Ow, ow, argh!
[singing] I told you, I told you, I told you!
[Miss Piggy is delayed]
Heh, heh, man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing them out there!
We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
Let's just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out.
[Cut to Miss Piggy in limo]
Whoopi's doing great, she's killing them out there! They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope that Clifford doesn't figure that out.
SMSal Minella
Hey, Johnny, I just met this girl at the studio next door, and we're going out tonight! And get this, get this: she's got a sister!
JFJohnny Fiama
No, no Sal, forget it. No, no, no! I've been on your monkey double dates before, and they spend the entire evening trying to pick bugs outta my hair.
SMSal Minella
Oh, come on, come on, Johnny, just meet them.
JFJohnny Fiama
No, absofalutely not.
[The Real World Muppets]
DDarci
[singing to Clifford] I hate men, I hate men, all men should die, death to al men, [to Rizzo the Rat] I hate rats too. [not singing] So what'ya think?
[confessional] Mmmm. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. she threatened to read us her poetry!
DDarci
[singing to Bobo the Bear] Bears are killers, killers of sheep, killers of Bambi, bears should all die. Kill them, kill them. [not singing] So, what'ya think?
Er, it's a little, little, little one-sided.
DDarci
So, is it because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my opinions?
Oh, oh, no, no, we, er, it's, er, it's easy to dance to.
DDarci
So, that's more like it.
Oh, good, Well, Will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?
[...]
DDarci
...we worked it out. Like all good roommates we came to a compromise.
CBClifford, Bobo and Rizzo
[singing to Darci] We hate angry women, who write songs, who hate men,
CBClifford, Bobo and Rizzo
and who were raised by wolves.
JFJohnny Fiama
That's it, Ma! That's it! I've had enough to hear! That's the last straw! And you know what?! You're in denial! Not me! And I'm moving out of this house!
MFMama Fiama
Wait, Johnny! Is something wrong?
JFJohnny Fiama
You're crazy! That's what's wrong! And I'm never coming back, Ma! Never coming back!
MFMama Fiama
No! Wait! Wait, Johnny! My Johnny!
JFJohnny Fiama
And you know what else?! A great walkaway!!
[Watching Miss Piggy and Michelle fight]
I told you this show was a bomb! [A cannonball fires onto their nurse] What was that?
I think our medication just kicked in!
[They laugh]
Nurse, I'll have some of that!
[They laugh some more]
[Watching a City Slickers parody]
That bit was breathtaking.
Careful! You may not have too many left!
[They laugh]
Nurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
(A nurse comes in with a bomb and blows up Statler]
I'll just have a glass of warm milk.
[Clifford is introducing the show]
Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
[Cut to Statler and Waldorf]
SWStatler and Waldorf
Where's the remote?!
[Watching a group of rats and cheese performing]
You know, they're calling this show a runaway hit.
Yeah. Whenever it comes on, you'd wanna run away!
[They laugh]
[Watching Kermit and Tony Bennett perform Firefly]
What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
"I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
[They laugh]
