Monk quotes

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All Seasons
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Adrian Monk: Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Adrian Monk: Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
First Teacher: That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
Adrian Monk: So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
First Teacher: No, we were in different classrooms.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
Derek Philby: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh - um... just making them even.
Derek Philby: [highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together!
Adrian Monk: But they're - they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
[changes the subject]

Adrian Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean my stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]
Adrian Monk: [looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]

Adrian Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona Fleming: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Adrian Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.

Adrian Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!

Adrian Monk: Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get-out-of-town! What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Adrian Monk: Well--
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going rollerblading after?

Adrian Monk: [as they drive into the mountains] Why couldn't we stay in the city?
Natalie Teeger: Because a man there wants you dead.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Agent Grooms: And that man packs a lot of muscle in the Bay Area.
Adrian Monk: I know that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's why they have a witness protection program.
[Grooms stops the car at a gas station. Stottlemeyer gets out]
Agent Grooms: Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?
Agent Grooms: Okay, Captain, this is not a joke. Tommy Winn has already had two other federal witnesses killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know he has. That's why I'm here. [Natalie gets out behind him]
Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, stay in the vehicle.
Natalie Teeger: No.
Agent Grooms: All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourselves.
Natalie Teeger: Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.
[Monk gets out]
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Agent Grooms: You're safe. That's where you are.
Adrian Monk: How long do we have to stay here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until the deposition hearing on Monday.
Adrian Monk: Six days. [Grooms goes to the gas pump and removes the hose]
Agent Grooms: You're doing God's work. We've finally got Tommy Winn behind bars and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.

Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Adrian Monk: [examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
Natalie Teeger: It was over 30,000 years ago!
Adrian Monk: Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Natalie Teeger: Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?

Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I solved the case! Aren't you interested?
Chris Downey: I'm interested. [Monk looks behind just in time to see Chris Downey swing a shovel at his head. Cuts to Downey heaping dirt onto a buried coffin]

Adrian Monk: He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.