Monk quotes

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All Seasons
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Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean my stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]
Adrian Monk: [looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

[Deputy Mayor Sheldon Burger comes in]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Monk?

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?
Miranda St. Claire: No.

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

[?Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Adrian Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona Fleming: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Adrian Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?
Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Adrian Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona Fleming: Where was it?!
Adrian Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona Fleming: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything -- UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

[first lines]
[A call comes in to the 911 dispatch center]
911 Operator: 911 emergency.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Oh, God! He's in the house. You've got to help me! He's going to kill me!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's Dale Biederbeck! Dale Biederbeck!
911 Operator: [types] "Dale... Biederbeck." Ma'am what is your address?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's 415 Vinton! For God's sakes, hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma'am? [heavy breathing is heard on the phone] Does he have a weapon? Are you being threatened?
Judge Lavinio's voice: He doesn't need a weapon! He's Dale Biederbeck! [growling is heard on the line as a dispatch call is broadcast]
911 Operator #2: All units, possible 556 in progress.
911 Operator #1: Ma'am, can you get to a safe place?
Judge Lavinio's voice: No, I'm upstairs! I'm trapped!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am. Just stay by the phone.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Here he comes! Oh, my God! [screams, and the line disconnects]

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

[Looking around the house, Monk spots the pried-open smoke alarm]
Adrian Monk: What's--what's with this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.
Lt. Randall Disher: A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.
Adrian Monk: So there was a witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She's 10 years old. She didn't see much.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.
Adrian Monk: It's strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's strange?
Adrian Monk: The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope, nothing so far.
Adrian Monk: So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?
Adrian Monk: I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]
Adrian Monk: Has this phone been touched?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]
Adrian Monk: The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Adrian Monk: Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.

[Dale is on the phone]
Man on phone: I'm sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that's out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I'll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC--
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I'm watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he's just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I'm not gonna die. You won't let me, will you, Doctor?

[riding up to meet Dale the Whale for the first time]
Sharona Fleming: Dale Biederbeck?
Adrian Monk: They call him Dale the Whale.
Sharona Fleming: I never heard of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them. [they get off the elevator, their movements monitored by a camera] All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He's gonna try to bait you. Assume you're being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don't have to remind you that this bastard's got deep pockets, and he's got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.
Sharona: You met him? What happened? [They are interrupted by Dr. Vezza's arrival]