Misfits · Season 1
Yes, that's brilliant. Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!
I'm not- I wasn't using his tumors.
Absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right? And I've been nurturing, I've just been feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, like that. And you've gone and grown up. Now you're flying away, aren't you? Off into the distance.
[Referring to bar employee Alex, to a smitten Jess] Don't take it personally. [Whispers] I think he might be gay.
[On rooftop] I'm really sorry it's come down to this. None of us chose this shit. It's zombie noir, innit? [Aims gun under jaw and discharges it, dying instantly]
[Pointing to photograph] This is you... and this is me mum. Mary. M-Mary Samson.
This is so weird. Your mum's Mary Samson? She had a nickname. What was it? Everyone used to call her... Mary, something Mary... Oh, what was it? Ma... Oh.
Anyway... me mum worked out a timeline on her pregnancy, when I must have been conceived. It was at this party. She says one of the guys in the photograph must be me dad. Me real dad. Only, she had a few drinks that night and can't for the life of her remember who she had sex with, which I find deeply disturbing on so many levels. So I guess... me question to you... and trust me, never in me worst nightmares did I ever think I'd be going around repeatedly asking this, but... me question is... did you shag me mum?
Are you saying that I'm your...?
Looks that way. Take your time.
Um... I've got a son! Look at you. Y- You're all grown up. I- I- I've missed so much. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. [Clicks fingers] Anal Mary! Your mum's nickname. Everyone used to call her Anal Mary. You know, I'm pretty sure I'm not your dad.
You said you had sex with her.
Ahh... There's no easy way to say this, but, um... I fucked your mum up the arse. It's her thing, you know. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Oh! Anal Mary. How is your mum? She, er, single?
So I guess me question to you is... at the party, did you... [clears throat] did you have sex with me mum?
Yeah.
About the sex... Was it normal?
Hmm, it was on a washing machine.
By normal, I mean... [whispers] was it... [makes a gesture]
What?
Vaginal?
Ohh, God! You've obviously heard about the whole Anal Mary thing, right?
I've heard.
I always hated people calling her that. So she liked it up the sh... I just don't think... people should have judged her. And to answer your question... Yes, it was normal sex.
I think that probably makes you my dad.
You're my son?
Yeah. Wow. I, um... d'you have any fatherly advice for me?
Um... don't get cancer. [Finn chuckles] No, seriously. Do not get cancer.
I'll try not to. Hadn't planned on it. [Laughs and starts coughing up blood] Cancer, eh? Bummer. Total bummer.
Is he? Is he gonna? Will he get better?
No, it's terminal.
Oh. Where's your mum?
She died a few years ago. She was in a car accident.
Jesus. Well, have you got any brothers or sisters?
No, just me. Guess this isn't exactly what you were expecting.
No. I'm glad I found him. I wanna help. What can I do?
Well, you could change his colostomy bag, if you like? I'm joking.
Oh! Bye.
[Enters Dan's room] Dad? [Takes his pulse and realizes he has passed so she then uses her powers to revive him]
You can't keep me alive for ever.
[In locker room] Right, so your new dad... craps in a bag? People are strange, mate.
You should see him. He's all, like...
Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking... you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. You know, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Oh. What's your sister like?
You are clearly not one of those people.
I meant as a person! I'm just thinking your sister needs a little bit of something to take her mind of things. By something, I mean... I know what you...! I know what you mean.
Oh.
[Appears] Who's dying?
Me new dad. He's not new, as in... [Greg does a facial tick and Rudy walks away] new to me.
[Sighs and walks up to Finn] D'you know how I felt when my dad died?
No.
Take a guess.
Sad?
I was fucking ecstatic. Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick. Danced a happy little jig on his grave. [Dances a jig and leans into Finn] You think about that... when you're out there scrubbing off graffiti and scraping up dog shit.
Okay. Will do.
Okay. I'm gonna go round later.
Yeah?
Feels good, doin', you know, something for other people. We could go for a drink after.
Sorry, I can't. I'm meeting Alex.
Who's Alex?
You know Alex, from the bar.
I thought you were pissed off with him.
I was, but then I punched him in the face and he asked me out and I said yes.
Why don't you just kick me in the balls?
Why would I want to kick you in the balls?
Does it get me a date?
Have fun with your sister. [Walks away]
Shit. Must be, er... kinda hard for you turning up and finding me like this.
No, I just... just wish I'd met you sooner.
Yeah, me too. I'm glad you came back. There's something I need to talk to you about... before Grace gets back. Um... Do you know... about the storm... and these weird powers?
I did hear something about...
I know we've only just met each other. There's no-one else I can talk to. Grace... has a power. And she's been using it to keep me alive.
Are you saying she's curing you?
No, no, no, she's not. She's... [groans] I'm not getting any better. And I'm in so much pain. I've been letting her do it... [groans] because she... didn't have anybody else. And you show up. She's got a brother now. I don't wanna live like this, Finn. I need you to make her see that she has to let me go.
Don't think there's anyone else?
She has no-one else. [Coughs] You're her brother.
Half-brother.
I need you to persuade her... to let me die. Please.
I'm a fun guy. So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
No.
You?
You already asked me that.
Right. Er... Have you got any pets?
No. You?
I did once pretend to have a dog. It was really me girlfriend. We don't need to go there.
Did that just look a little bit gay to you? Did it?
Okay, if you say so. D'you wanna tell me what we're doing here?
This guy, Alex, "from the bar", he's got a date with a friend of mine and we're finding out if he's gay.
Why?
So I can completely destroy his relationship with Jess before it's even started.
You like this girl Jess?
I might. That's not the point! Just keep your eyes... Now, where did they go? I think he's paying him for sex.
Oh, shit. They're here. He doesn't waste any time, does he? Quick polish of his cock and then he's ready to roll.
Finn.
What do we do?
Play... Play it cool, play it cool. Hey! Hey, good to see you. Hi, Jess. Jess, this is me sister... [Grace and Jess shake hands] well, half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Jess. It's Alex, right? Yeah, I'm Finn. This is me sister... half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Alex. "From the bar".
What's with the speech marks?
No idea! [Chuckles sheepishly] So, how are you? How's it hanging, dawg? [Taps her one shoulder with her responding coldly]
Why are you being so weird?
What? Who's being weird? [Laughs sheepishly] Oh! She's always like this. You should see her when we're on community service. We have such a laugh. Don't we have a laugh?
Are you on community service? You told me you were studying engineering.
[Laughs awkwardly] Did I?
Well, this is awkward, so I'm going to the toilet.
You know what? Oh, I need a piss, too. Synchronized bladders.
Jess.
What are you doin'?
It's about Alex.
What about him?
He's gay. And I'm pretty sure he's paying men for sex.
Finn. I'm here. Fuck off!
[Holds phone under washroom stall] Watch the video. Watch it... and tell me if you still think Alex, "from the bar", isn't gay. Well?
You... are really pathetic. D'you know that?
Am I?
Mmm.
At least I'm not gay. Absolutely nothin' wrong with it. Unless... Unless you're pretending you're not gay so you can trick girls into having sex with you.
Why would anyone do that?
Where's me phone?
It's down the toilet. But don't worry, I didn't flush.
He's gay and you know it.
Nothing wrong with it.
Shit.
Fuck off. [Walks away]
I hate to say it, but I think she's probably gonna take him back to his flat... and fuck his brains out. You really like her, don't you?
I always have done. Ever since me first day on community service. She acts all tough and she's not. And I know I can make her happy. You don't wanna listen to this.
To be honest, it's nice to think about something other than Dad. I don't get out much.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
What's that?
[Drops in] Oh, hello! I'm Rudy! It's nice to meet you! 'Ey, I bet he's been telling you all sorts about me, hasn't he? What's he been saying? What've you told her, you, you shit?
He hasn't said anything.
Has he not? That's interesting. That's very interesting indeed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
