You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog! Dude, it was his girlfriend. He's had her tied up. You've had her pooing in a bucket!
RRudy
Yes, and with very good reason. She has been abusing him, she's been pussy-whipping the hell out of him, man.
She was having trouble walking. Her legs weren't working properly. They've gone all wobbly,you've had her tied down for so long. I rang her a taxi and, er... well, she's gone, man.
RRudy
I'll go and stick the kettle on.
We've been together since we were 16. She was 15.
Technically, that makes it statutory rape, so that's nice.
She's the only girl I've ever been with. I don't know how to be with other girls. I only know how to be with her. You know the worst thing? I really miss her.
Why d'you wanna be with someone who wants to change you? If the only way that you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket then you're probably not meant for each other.
That's not true. We're just going through a rough patch.
She is going to feed you your balls.
Oh, Jesus. [Sighs] I can't go home.
[Eating an egg sandwich in kitchen and sees Sadie appear in doorway] Oh, hello! [The eggs fall from sandwich onto floor] Me yolks! That's a tragedy!
[Points and shouts] You stay away from him! D'you hear me? Uncle Rudy knows all about you! If I had it my way, I'd have just left you tied to that bed, shitting in a bucket. One sec. [Scoops up egg yolks from floor with spatula] Up you come, my beauties. Good as new. [Reinserts egg yolks into sandwich, blows on it and resumes eating]
SSadie
What are you doing in my flat?!
I am staying here, for an indefinite period, rent free!
Have a guess where I spent last night?
Oh! Did you get a photo of her little furry friend while she was sleeping?
What? No! Nothing happened. Well, I say nothing. I did get a little cheeky flash of nipple when she was wearing her pyjamas. Which got me thinking about other girls, moving on. A little flash of nipple. Maybe that's all it takes. Which is actually really pathetic.
Nipples. [Sighs] Little pink devils.
Your girlfriend's kicked me out the flat. She's got quite the temper on her, hasn't she? [Laughs]
Sadie? She's at the flat?
Yep. She is not an happy bunny.
So where are you gonna live?
Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.
You mean you're moving into the community centre.
[Points at her] There's no flies on you, is there? Clever. [Puts arms around Finn and shakes him] We're gonna be flatmates. Hmm? Hmm? No? Come on. And you two should move in with us. Imagine all of us living under same roof like one big, happy family... like The Waltons.
I see that happening, you fucking prick.
Well, that's a shame, and that's why you're never gonna be in The Waltons. I fucking love The Waltons, man. It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment. I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.
[Watching cheerleaders practice] Oh, mate, that's excellent. Look at fresh meat. Look at the size of them.
Every woman you see, they're just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.
Three! There's three bloody holes in which I could potentially insert me penis.
How do we even belong to the same species?
As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women... love a penis.
Cha...! [Whispers] Spot the lesbian.
We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
DRDark Rudy
How do they expect us to survive on single benefits when there's two of us?
I'm not sure the benefit system was designed for situations like ours. Go and see Mum and Dad. See if you can't guilt-trip them into giving you some money. Steal if you have to. Dad usually keeps a couple of quid under that... crappy polar bear paperweight thing. Look, I'm not your slave. Go and get some crisps. Cheese and onion.
Dark Rudy No, fuck it, let's go exotic, prawn cocktail. Do you want to be Rudy One, or do you want to be Rudy Two? I'll be... Rudy Too, spelled T, double O, because I am.
I get it. Will you... what's wrong with me toothbrush?
Dark Rudy You don't have a toothbrush.
Dark Rudy Does he know that?
Does he need to know that?
DRDark Rudy
Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.
You really are a petty, selfish little man. There's no crisps for you. Just fuck off.
DRDark Rudy
[Mutters] Yeah.
DRDark Rudy
I'll be Rudy Too - T, double O, because I am." You fucking...
What, did you forget something? Is that a ukulele? What the bloody hell are you doing with that?
DRDark Rudy
You know them things remind me of him. Yeah, well, when you're locked in a prison cell 23 hours a day, there's not much else to do than masturbate and play ukulele.
What? No hug? What are you doing here?
DRDark Rudy
I came to see you. I feel the least you owe me is an apology for getting me sent down.
I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
DRDark Rudy
You two sent me out to get us some Curly Wurlys. The police just so happened to know exactly where I'd be.
You're a fucking psychopath. You're a liability, mate. You nearly battered that guy half to death.
DRDark Rudy
I taught him a valuable lesson.
You bit his frigging ear off.
DRDark Rudy
Well, he should've listened to me. What's the point in having ears if you're not gonna use 'em?
Yeah, what about his nose?
DRDark Rudy
His nose was just for the comedy. I've got a present for you.
DRDark Rudy
I believe this is yours. [Holds out three chocolate bars]
Ah, you're all right. I've gone off them. They're...they're very sugary. You know...
DRDark Rudy
Take it. Take it!
DRDark Rudy
[Screams with excess spit spraying] TAKE THE FUCKING CANDY BAR! Take it! Take it, take it!
Fuck it. [Takes the candy bars]
DRDark Rudy
What do you say?
DRDark Rudy
That wasn't so bad, was it?!
Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,
D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.
He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.
And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.
Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.
Why would he be disappointed?
Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.
Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]
My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.
So why do you think he did it? Why did Curtis... blow his brains out in a disused factory?
I honestly couldn't tell you, mate.
Let's get... one thing straight, right? I am not and I never will be... your mate.
Oh, come on, that's a bit of a tragedy, innit?! For you! Because I think if you... Only kidding. That's not... [Mutters] Cor, you're very intense.
[Clears throat] I'll give you intense. I'll give you the intense sensation of me skull-fucking your living brain.
Come on. Since Curtis's death, have you suffered from overwhelming feelings of loss and despair?
No? [seriously after Greg gives him a look] No, I haven't.
Are you fucking sure about that?
Yes? [Clears throat] Yes.
[Pulls out walkman earbuds] Hi. Is that it? [Walks past him]
I- I'm sorry. [She turns around] I screwed up. It was nothing you did. I shouldn't have lied to you. I am a prick.
So what are you thinking?
I'm thinking I wanna hit you in the face.
Well, I think if that's gonna make you feel better, go ahead.
I'm serious. If that's what it's gonna take for you to get over it... then hit me. I'll come down to your level. I'll make it easy for you. [Kneels to her and Jess strikes him] Oh! What the fuck?!
Are you cr...? Are you crying?
No. My eyes are watering. Why did you go for the nose?
What? ...Oh, shit! Sorry.
Yeah, well, so you fucking should be.
It's not funny! [She laughs] Do you wanna go out tomorrow night?
[About Finn's dad] Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. I mean, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Well. What's your sister like?!
You are clearly not one of those people.
