Misfits · Season 1
Stay with me. I faked it. I didn't put the power in Curtis. I've still got it. Get the phone.
What phone?
Hitler. Get the phone. [Seth kisses Kelly transferring his power]
[Seth slumps down lifeless] No! You're not allowed to die! [Kelly sees flashes of alternate history being undone]
[Walks up to Hitler] Oi, Hitler. Why have you gotta be such a dick? [Headbutts him and kicks him several times and goes back to the presence]
So me and you fought the Nazis and I died? They shot you. In this... alternative version of history... me and you, did we...?
Did we shag? No. You kissed me when you gave me the power.
Did I? And how was that?
It was all right. So I want this bullshit rewind power out of me. I am done fucking with history. You have to promise me you won't let anyone else have it. Promise, yeah?
I don't wanna die, so... I'll put it in me pet iguana for safekeeping.
I never had you down as someone who'd have a pet lizard.
Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me. I know that you're not the person you make out to be.
You act like you don't give a shit about anyone. That's rubbish.
So what d'you want instead?
I kind of liked being a fuckin' rocket scientist.
[Getting a pop can from vending machine and stops to see Kelly in hallway] What the fuck are you looking at?
Nothin'.
[Appears with other community servers] Where have you been?
Just been fighting the fuckin' Nazis and kicking the shit out of Hitler. [Walks away]
There's an anger management counselor here for you.
For me? [Gives Simon a look]
Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [To Simon] Did you have the last Twix?
Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [Leaves]
For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.
Who?
Who do you think? [Points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.
So that's why you're on community service?
Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?
This is such bullshit.
[About anger management counselor] She's onto you. I think she knows.
She doesn't know anything.
She knows you're a bedwetter.
I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.
Haven't you?
Now, listen, that was one time. And I was drunk. Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.
We should go back in. She's making some good points, man.
No, I'm not having you in here. [points to his chest] You're popping out every time she gets personal. You can wait for me outside.
You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?
We used to do it.
Yeah, and it was weird then.
I never heard you complaining.
[Enters] What's going on? [Looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?
Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]
[To Simon] What?
Why are you here?
What, you think I was watching him wank?
...That's what you used to do.
I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [Leaves]
[Sees Shaun walking] Oi! Come here! Oh, let me tell you something, right. She is one amazing therapist. I can't believe the council actually pay for that kind of thing. And I tell you something else - if I could be bothered, I would write a letter to Social Services and just congratulate them.
Seriously. Move. [Walks past Rudy]
[Rudy walks into washroom] W... Where have you been?
Nowhere.
What's that?
It's nothing.
What is that? Is that a love? Ugh! It's a love bite! What are you, a 12-year-old girl? [Laughs] You are fucking Kelly! I knew it.
It's not Kelly. It's Clare.
The therapist?!
Yeah.
Hang on, that explains a few things, does that...
What do you mean? Your fuck-buddy has just wanked me off.
What?!
Yeah, I know! She just whipped it out, she starts plugging away on it like she were trying to break it.
Right, and why didn't you stop her?
Why would I do that? Eh? God, she's intense, though, man.
Did she do all that crying straight after? I mean, like, crying immediately afterwards. I can't... I can't believe this. I've just shot me load, she starts getting all heavy, like, "I shouldn't be doing this, I am a total mess." [Mimics sobbing]
At one point, I was honestly considering just shoving me cock into her mouth just to shut her up, mate.
Oi! Now you stop it! You don't talk about my girlfriend like that. [Laughs] No... No! You're not... you're not going out with her, man.
Well, she's better than some of the skanky horrible sluts you end up with. She's old and she's a... psychopath and she cries after she's wanked people off. She cries because she cares. Unlike you.
No, you... Listen. You don't get to choose. I choose. And that's how this thing works, right? Now, you get back in here, because I am not having people thinking I'm fucking a 40-year-old woman.
No. I love her. And I don't care what you think.
Don't you walk out this room.
[At door of Clair's office] Er, just so you know, I've been having a bit of a think about us... Yeah, it's not gonna happen, right? I mean, listen, thanks for the hand job and the sex and all that. Brilliant. But you are... You're quite old and you cry... a lot, hm? Bye, then. [Walks away with Clair breaking into tears]
Kelly. That's Kelly.
It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.
Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in Face/Off.
Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.
Oh.
This is more like Freaky Friday.
Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?
[Talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?
No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?
It's like a zombie film.
Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an E.T. man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]
How do you mean, it's like a zombie film?
Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed. It's infectious. If you get bitten, you become one of them.
Hang on a minute. He brought Shannon back from the dead. Are you saying she's a zombie?
Who's Shannon? [Kelly runs away] Wait, Kelly! [Cat hisses] What are we gonna do with this frigging cat?!
[Pounds on Seth's apartment door and Seth answers] Where is she?!
Kelly, don't do this!
She's a fucking zombie!
What?! What are you talking about?
When you bring people back from the dead, they turn into a zombie! We just had to kill some old woman, a cat ate her face! Curtis brought her cat back from the dead. It went zombie!
Who's she?
I was his girlfriend until he dug you up!
Look, it's not like you think.
What's she talking about?
It's nothing.
You're a zombie!
I'm a what?!
You have to kill her before she bites you.
Right, get out. [Pushes Kelly out door]
You've got to kill her! She's gonna bite... She's a fucking zombie!
You stay away from her!
She's a zombie and she's going to kill you, Seth! [Goes in apartment and closes door with Kelly pounding on it] Open the fucking door!
We only got together when I thought I couldn't bring you back.
Just stay away from me!
[Rudy goes out in hall] Have you got any change for the vending machine?
Just... fuck off! [Runs away] No, no... don't touch me! Don't touch me! Fuck off! Fucking fuckers!
[Walking out onto rooftop] Are you okay?
I was 13. I'd just come in from school, so... I poured myself a nice, cold, nourishing glass of milk. Head into the lounge to watch ]][[w:Blue Peter|Blue Peter, good, wholesome family entertainment. I open the door... and I see my dad. And he is just... he's just fucking the hell out of my mum. Faces all, like, contorted, like that. Like a wild animal. She was dressed like a cheerleader. Little skirt... pompoms, everything.
Is that it?
Whoa!
That image haunted me all the way through puberty. I can't even sit down and have a relaxing wank without it popping into my head. Every time I shut my eyes. It scarred me. It scarred me. You know some people are scared of clowns? For me, it's cheerleaders.
No one's scared of clowns.
It's called coulrophobia.
Yeah, well, so, imagine your dad is dressed as a clown and he's... fucking your mum, like that.
Why would my dad be dressed as a clown?
Well, I don't know what he gets up to in the privacy of his own home, sick pervert, do I? Fucking cheerleaders, man. ooh, fuck.
It's the only way he'd take my power. I couldn't have a baby. How the fuck's that gonna work? I'm sorry, yeah? So, what happened when you went down there?
He didn't believe me. He's just acting like nothing's wrong.
What are you gonna do?
I should let her eat the prick. He thinks I'm saying it cause I'm jealous. It's him that I'm pissed off with. I'm not some nasty, jealous little skank. I hate that. I'm gonna have to fucking kill her, aren't I?
Do you want a hand with that?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
