[Rudy drags a sledge hammer out of vehicle trunk] What are you doing?!
Well, it beats a fucking Cornetto, doesn't it?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Aha! Now, who's the big man with the bloody great big hammer? Eh? Is it you?
He wants blood.
Let's get him a mouse and let him chow down on that little fucker.
And then we'd have a zombie mouse as well.
This is just getting like a zombie Noah's ark! Right, let's pull straws. And someone is going to kill this cat, cause I am sick of carrying it around now.
[To Rudy] Will you just pick one?!
All right. [Picks longest straw leaving Simon] Yay! Get in! Fuck you, you fucking loser! [Pauses to realize the stunned reactions of the community servers] It's not about the winning. Is it? It's about the taking part. [To Simon] Go on, kill the cat. Go on.
Will someone please tell me why I'm here?
Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.
Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.
Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.
You weren't even there!
Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.
For what?
For whatever it was they were talking about.
What's it like? Being dead.
Well, the big news is there's no God.
Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.
Well, none of it matters anyway, so...
Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.
[Appears in hallway to community servers sitting in wheelchairs with Rudy doing stationary wheelies besides a smashed vending machine] What are you doing?
We are relaxing.
Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?
Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.
[Shrugs] Shit happens.
The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [Points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.
Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.
What happened to the vending machine?
Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.
[Laughs] I'm off my fucking tits!
Look at you. You're out of control. Completely immoral. You're feral.
Right. [Clears throat and wheels forward] All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us. We've done our best, and if you've gota problem with that, then fuck you! Like you're so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we've done all right, considering.
I think we've done more than all right, love. [Points to hole in vending machine] Free chocolate.
I've got to find Sally.
[Appears to Simon in locker room with him watching video of him and Sally] I've always loved you. How could you do that to me? You had sex with her... in our bed. And... you send me a video of it. Why would you do that?!
It's not what you think! I didn't have sex with her! I thought I was supposed to...
You were supposed to cheat on me?!
I was... I was trying to help...
I trusted you! You can't do this!
Alisha... I'm sorry, I...
Don't! Don't fucking touch me.
It's not what you think! It's complicated.
No, it isn't!
Alisha! [Runs away]
[Runs into Tony in hallway ] You? [Grabs fire extinguisher and slams it on Tony's head]
Jesus! Will you... just stop hitting me!
[Appears with Curtis with Rudy dry humping Rachel in atrium] So, you met the old probation worker, then?
Yeah, we've met.
What's going on?
He's back too. Seems okay.
Where've you been?
There was something I had to...
[Rachel vomits] Whoa!
...do.
Whoa, man, she's just been sick!
Has anyone seen Alisha?
[Appears to Alisha at rooftop edge] Hurts, doesn't it?
Why are you doing this?
You killed Tony. I want Simon to know how it feels to lose everything. And I want him to know that you died hating him. [Grabs Alisha and leans her over rooftop edge with her screaming]
[Rushes onto rooftop with community server] Sally! Don't do this. Let her go.
They killed you!
It was the storm. Turned me crazy. You always said I had a temper. I attacked them. I would've killed them. It was self-defence. This isn't why you're here. You're not here for revenge. Let her go. I have missed you so much.
[Rushes forward to Tony] I never thought I'd see you again! [Embraces him in a kiss and they disappear]
I didn't have sex with her.
I saw you.
I- I kissed her. I thought I had to because I killed her. As I was kissing her, all I could think about was you. I never want to be with anyone else. Kissing her only made me realize how much I love you. I couldn't go through with it. [Hugs her]
Great speech, and all that. Very moving. But he definitely should've fucked that probation worker. That's a wasted opportunity, innit?
[Alisha opens a door] Where are we going? [Alisha leads him in and closes door]
[Kneels down at Rachel's feet] What's going on? What's with all the tears?
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. Got drunk, I took drugs. I had sex. And I've sworn like a cunt. And I'm still here, I haven't moved on. And now I just feel cheap and dirty. [Buttons up shirt] I feel sick and horrible. I just want to know why I'm here.
Well, I think that takes a bit of working out. You know the attractive older probation worker that the starey guy... didn't have sex with? Yeah, well, she thought she was here for revenge, you know, 'cause the others had killed her and everything.
Some spirits come back for revenge?
Yeah, but not her. Turns out she came back to hook up with her... boyfriend, which is actually quite sweet and moving. If you like that sort of thing.
[Leans into her] Look at you. You're so beautiful. [Recoils back] No! No, no... you smell of sick! No, thank you!
Poor thing, she's in a right mess. Shall I make her a cup of tea? Do ghosts even like tea? Do they? Ooh.
Are you all right?
You killed me. And then you turned me into a nasty little slut. Like you.
There's nothing wrong with us, mate. You're the one with sick down your top.
You're everything I always hated. [Holds up a boxcutter knife]
Whoa! What are you doing?
This is why I came back. Revenge.
Listen, you don't mean that. Yeah? I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we? Let's not do this. Eh? Just put it down... [Alisha appears who gets her throat slashed by Rachel who then disappears]
I can bring her back. If that's what you want?
She's dead. She wouldn't want to be a zombie.
Don't. Don't do that.
This is where I go back. It all has to happen exactly like it happened.
What are you talking about?
It was me. I was the guy in the mask.
You're fucking serious?
But... but you were there when... when he was there.
At the start, it was my future self. He died... and I became him. I'm going to need to get some new powers.
Kelly said you wanted to see me.
I need Curtis's old power.
I put it in my iguana. He's dead. The power's gone.
I have to go back in time. It has to be like this.
Right, well... There is another time travel power out there. I sold it to this guy. It's different to what he had. There's no coming back.
Who did you sell it to?
[Mets future pirate man at bar] You all right? [At table with him] Can I tell you a secret? You know these powers? Well, I'm a fucking rocket scientist.
PFPirate fetish man
Me too! I mean, I've got a power. I got it off this guy from the estate. I'm gonna travel back in time.
No way!
PFPirate fetish man
Seriously. I am done working in a call centre. I want excitement and adventures. I'm gonna travel back in time... and become a pirate.
I've always wanted to shag a pirate.
FPFuture pirate man
[Walking with Kelly in alley and comes across Seth standing before them] What's this? What's going on?
I was lying about shagging a pirate. Seriously. Who would fuck a pirate?!
PFPirate fetish man
They get laid all the time.
You know that power I sold you? Turns out I'm going to need it back.
PFPirate fetish man
You can't have it. I paid for it. [Attempts to walk away and turns to Simon]
I need that power.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.