Metalocalypse Season 1 quotes

Nathan

Toki, you gotta let us into your band!

Skwisgaar

I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!

Toki

But we already gots a you. Me!

Skwisgaar

Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!

Pickles

No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!

Toki

You all wants to join Thunderhorse?

Nathan

Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!

Murderface

You do it, I'm not doing it.

Pickles

I'll do it, I don't care.

Nathan

Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...

Murderface

See what happens.

Nathan

Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.

Murderface

See if you gotta wait for a little...

Nathan

Go. Go go go go go.

Pickles

I have a beer ticket for one beer please.

Nathan

What- what is he doing?

Murderface

What happened?

Pickles

[in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!

Skwisgaar

You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?

Pickles

[enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!

Murderface

Yeah, what the hell?

Nathan

All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!

Next. [Dethklok approaches] Oh, look at you guys, you're a baaand huh? That's REAL exciting! Making fliers huh, so you can get BIG and famous!

Nathan

[really tired] Uhhh...yeah, you know, we'd like to make some fliers.

And what's your band called?

Pickles

[really tired] Uhh we're called, uh, Thun-

[mocking] I NEVER HEARD OF THEM! SURPRISE!

Toki

[dressed as Skwisgaar] That's whys we am gettings fliers so peoples whats knows what who we are.

And you're gonna be a big Rock 'N Roll star huh? Wowwweeeee. Another baaand!

Nathan

If I wasn't so lethargic from hunger, I'd uh....kick your ass and make copies of it here...copy... [stomach growls loudly] That's my stomach...making that sound...

Nathan

You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.

Pickles

I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!

Toki

I didn'ts.....

Skwisgaar

I says we gets the fuck out of here.

Pickles

But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!

Nathan

Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!

Charles

Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-

Nathan

Stop saying die, use a different word.

Murderface

Use a different phrase like-

Nathan

Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-

Hamburger Time.

Nathan

Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.

Toki

Hamboigers Time.

Nathan

Use Hamburger Time, alright?

Charles

Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.

Murderface

Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.

Nathan

I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?

Toki

Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?

Murderface

You know, usually...

Nathan

Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-

Murderface

That's a billion-dollar idea.

Nathan

Cleaning your teeth with tits!

Pickles

Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]

Skwisgaar

Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?

Pickles

[looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!

Nathan

Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.

Charles

All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.

Pickles

[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?

Charles

There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?

Pickles

Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!

Murderface

That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar

Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.

Nathan

Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.

Toki

I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]

Nathan Explosion

Hey man I gotta tell ya. One of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on.

I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. [sticks his rifle in his mouth and kills himself]

Toki

WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!

Nathan

Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?

Skwisgaar

We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.

Toki

AND I FUCKING DO!

Pickles

Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.

Toki

I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]

Nathan

I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.

Skwisgaar

Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.

Nathan

Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."

Pickles

Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?

Shall I burn it, my lords?

Nathan

No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.

Nathan

Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.

Skwisgaar

(sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.

Toki

[enters meeting room] Whats I miss?

Murderface

TOKI! Why do you smell like piss and cocaine?

Toki

Oh that's not me.

Oh k-k-k-k-k-k-k-Hanukkah! A-k-k-k-k-hello!

Toki

Dr. Rockso?

[sitting by a full bathtub, going through withdrawals] Oh, Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... Oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!

Toki

[kneels by Rockso] For the records, Dr. Rockso I can'ts gets you drugs, thats would be enables you... But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.

[hugs Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [shoves Toki's head under the water] NOW YOU GET ME THOSE FUCKING DRUGS!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I'll fuckin- [faints]