TV show quotes
[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]
And just remember, eat plenty of celery.
Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.
Yeah, except Debs' mum!
Yeah, except Debs' mum!
[Deborah's mum appears behind them]
Because she's not old!
Not old.
Not in the slightest.
In any way.
At all.
Leg it.
Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.
Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.
It's got some horrible stains on it.
Where?
There. There. There. There.
There. Here. There.
There. There. There.
There.
Well, I can't see any.
Oh, and what's that, there?
Err.
Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.
...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?
Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.
Well, why aren't you doing that, then?
You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.
(singing down the phone)
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas...
Oh, that's a wrong number.
[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]
I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.
Sure.
To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.
What, you mean...
Yeah.
The fire's burning but the logs not going in?
Yeah.
Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?
Yeah.
The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?
Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.
Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.
Thanks, mate.
Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.
[Tony runs away]
What?
[on Gary's impotence]
Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.
[on Gary's impotence]
I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area
[on Gary's impotence]
It doesn't matter, love.
I know it doesn't.
Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.
I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".
It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?
Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.
[drunk] You know, I've never said this before...
[drunk] What?
"Ibble-wibble wibble".
[both laugh drunkenly]
Where did you get it.
I don't know. I can't be expected to remember anything.
Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.
[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]
I saw Gary kissing a woman.
[Tony stops filing]
A woman other than Dorothy?
Yes.
Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?
Yes.
Or someone disguised as Gary?
Yes.
Blimey... Wayhey!
No, Tony, not "wayhey".
No, not "wayhey", sorry.
Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.
Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!
No!
No. No, not, no.
Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.
He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.
Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...
[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]
...wear this, and mingle.
Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.
No.
Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.
How do they know?
I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Men Behaving Badly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
