KKen
I'm Ken. The new, um.
Landlord?
KKen
Landlord.
What's happened to Les?
KKen
The brewery sacked him.
Why? He was a brilliant landlord.
KKen
He kept forgetting to open up at lunchtimes.
S5 E2The Good Pub Guide
S5 E3Cowardice
What exactly do lesbians do?
I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.
Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?
And one lies on top of the other one, and...
GTGary/Tony
...get off again.
Brilliant.
Fantastic.
[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]
So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.
JJudy
Sorry?
Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?
JJudy
Yes, just for a few days.
What... kind of things do you get up to?
JJudy
Y'know, just running around together.
Naked?
JJudy
"Naked"?
Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.
JJudy
What's it called?
I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.
JJudy
Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.
[Tony looks shocked]
Do you eat food?
JJudy
Why?
I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.
JJudy
I don't think so.
Any particular reason why?
JJudy
Just a question of taste I suppose.
Okay, your lifestyle choice.
[Deborah returns from toilet]
That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.
S5 E4Your Mate v Your Bird
I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.
Tony, you don't love me. You just want to have sex with me.
...Well, we could start from there. And from that acorn our love could grow into a big...thicket.
S5 E5Cardigan
[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]
I've had enough. I'm turning back.
[drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?
Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.
S5 E6Rich & Fat
[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]
Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?
I think it's just fornopoly
[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]
You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.
Yep
It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.
With a big wobbly dome
[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]
Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".
Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?
No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.
[as oyster] "No we don't!"
[both laugh drunkenly]
S6 E1Stag Night
We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd split up.
(still watching) Close the door quietly on your way out.
Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
How do you mean "woman"?
A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".
Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?
Course, mate.
Ta, mate!
S6 E3Jealousy
How come you can't drive, Gary?
Some people were born to drive, and some people were born to be driven.
Some people were born to be run over.
S6 E4Watching TV
You know Felicity Kendal?
DDDeborah/Dorothy
Yes.
She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
DDDeborah/Dorothy
Yes.
You know the Magic Roundabout?
DDDeborah/Dorothy
Yes?
What the Hell was that all about?
S6 E5Ten
You know my nephew's coming to stay.
Yeah, why can't he stay in a hotel like normal people?
Because he's 10.
Isn't there a "kiddies" hotel we could put him in?
Debs, will you do me a favour?
What?
Will you have sex with me in a tree?
(to Jonathan) So, do you like Thomas The Tank Engine? He's good, isn't he? Eh? With his face. All flat and blue.
Puff, puff.
[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]
Grow up to be a decent member of society.
Play lots of sport.
Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.
Mmm, except Debs' mum.
Yeah. Don't help her.
No. Hinder her.
Hinder her from crossing the street.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Men Behaving Badly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.