Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible. Crush the peppercorns into a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well I haven't got one, Delia. Oh. If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon.
Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again.
I'm knackered. I fell asleep against this woman on the bus. She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her shoulder.
Slice that, will you? Don't tell me your-- your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board.
They didn't offer me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas.
Well, it makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi naked women in bits of white underwear.
Not really. These sofas already had semi naked women in them. They squeezed up to let me sit down.
That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex.
Well, that's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food. What are you cooking anyway.
Well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish and a rather subtle juniper sauce followed by jelly and ice cream.
With hundreds and thousands?
I need something to take my mind of Lisa.
I taught her all my best beer-mat tricks, you know. Why did she leave me?
Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with her best friend.
Women don't like that much, do they? Her teeth went all clenched, like in Dallas. Is this mine?
Well, change into something useful, like a curry.
Hey, I think a woman's gonna move in upstairs. I found a letter addressed to someone called Deborah.
How should I know? It's private. Actually, I did accidentally steam it open and read it. Her mother enjoyed her holiday in France but the weather was a bit disappointing.
France, eh? (Imitates French accent) Bonjour, Deborah. Je m'appelle Dermot. I am sensitive and artistic.
Have you got the sharp knife in there?
Yeah, it's on the side. I'll bring it out in a minute. Yo! Get down, bitch.
Dermot! Oh, I see. It's a duvet. Well, silly old me. I thought for a moment you'd spent all the money you owe me on a new suit, you piece of scum.
I'm looking after it for a friend.
All right. It's an investment.
No, it isn't. It's a bloody new, bloody suit, you bastard.
It's not my fault. Whenever I see a cheque, I go out of control. I'm the same with tight black skirts, actually.
This is my money we are talking about here. What would you say if I emptied your wallet and went out on a spending spree?
I'd say, "What can you buy these days for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down on Brighton Beach?"
Well, what else have you bought for yourself?
Well, what's in that bag?
Oh, it's-- it's a cookery book.
You expect me to believe that, do you?
You're always saying you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time.
Not that there's anything wrong with fish fingers Sur La Toast.
Take those stupid sunglasses off.
You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.
No, she saw him last night.
That must be why she was looking so knackered.
If you must know, they were up late playing chess
Is that what she told you?
What's that supposed to mean?
No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.
Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.
GGraham
Sorry, I don't play chess.
GGraham
I don't play chess.
Oh, you "don't play chess"?
You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!
GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!
GGraham
[to Dorothy] Is he always like this?
GET OFF TO YOUR POXY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!
Don't mind them. We could have a game of chess if you want to.
