Married... with Children Season 5 quotes

Bud

I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly

Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Marcy

When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al

I didn't steal your bra.

Al

I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Mona, why don't you come back a little later.

Really? When?

When you're no longer a felony.

Al

I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Peggy

Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...

Al

Or my "beauty-fool" wife.

Jefferson

Drop dead!

Peg

Lick feet!

Marcy

Eat dirt!

Al

Grow hair!

Bud

Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

Golly, that felt good.

Peg

I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly

Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg

And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud

Appropriate for you, Kel.

Peg

Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.

Al

Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

Dodge is a damn fine car. Ran over muh wife with a Dodge.

Peg

Oh, Al, take me again.

Al

I didn't even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.