So, Dewey, how was school today?
Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Well, did you push him back?
No, he's bigger than me.
Uh-huh... Reese?
I'm on it.
S2 E7"Robbery"
Robber (cheery): How are you?
Good.
Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!
Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.
RRobber
Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
Oh, my God, a gun!
Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
What about the safe?
RRobber
What safe?
-ty, safe-ty of the customers.
Can we hurry this along?
R1Robber #1
Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
R1Robber #1
Great, what's the combo?
No.
LRLois & Robber #1
What?
You can't have it.
Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)
Lois [to Craig]: Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.
Hal (to Dewey): Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?
Dewey (scared): Okay.
(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)
EEveryone
YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!
Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.
Lois [to Craig]: I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)
Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.
Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.
(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
R1Robber #1
Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
My God! Craig, are you alright?
I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.
S2 E8"Therapy"
Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.
Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.
The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.
Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.
Reese [to Malcolm]: You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.
Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.
Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?
Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.