[Lucifer has just called out Dad/God for torturing everybody all in the name of his "mysterious ways"]
LuciferOoh, for example: Dad! Are you ever going to tell us why Hell suddenly doesn't need a warden any more?
[There is a long pause]
DGDad/God
I have a good reason.
Lucifer
Oh! It's a good reason! Well, that explains it. As always, super clear, thanks Pops.
What are you even complaining about, Lucifer? You got your own kingdom as a reward for bad behavior.
Lucifer
[bitterly] Is that how you see it? Being forced to torture souls for hundreds of thousands of years was an 'attaboy'? Sure, I was King of Hell, but I was still in Hell. If that's not a poisoned chalice, I don't know what is! [Lucifer gets out of his seat] You have no idea what that was like, how easy you had it!
"Easy"? [scoffs] I spent my entire life in the worst kind of Hell there is.
Lucifer
What could possibly be worse?
Sharing a face with you! Guess what? When your twin is the Lightbringer, turns out you have no choice but to live in the shadows!
Lucifer
We were dealt the same hand, the same face, the same bloody shoulders, except you had a chip on yours so big, you managed to self-actualise it! Oh, no, no, no! There's nothing wrong with him, don't be fooled! You have no one to blame but yourself for who you are!
Lucifer
Of course you do, you petty little sh-
[the candles and lights have gone out, thunder and lightning flashes]
DGDad/God
[booming] CHILDREN!
[Lucifer and Michael glare at each other in the dark, the lights come back on and Lucifer returns to his seat]
Lucifer
And there it is: the Old Testament Wrath. Wasn't sure you still had it in you.
[referring to the victim] Hey, Ella. You wanna catch Lucifer up?
Oh. Sure. [dramatically serious] So, it was the fourth quarter. It had just hit the two-minute warning. Cathedral High's down by three. But, they've got possession. Cheerleaders--
Do you wanna [coughs] just skip to the --
--flag on the play. Right. Well, poor Steve Rockwell here dropped dead at the fifty-yard line.
Everyone thought he died of a heart attack, but Ella figured out he was murdered.
Yeah. Someone [holds up an evidence bag] wet his whistle with poison.
Lucifer
That blows.
Has Lucifer done anything recently to anger You?
Oh, of course not! I'm not angry about anything.
Lucifer
Oh, so what, You just banished me to hell for shiggles? Be honest! You were pissed that I threatened Your superhero status and You were dying to punish me! You wanted me to suffer!
It's impossible to make him happy. If I give my opinion, I'm controlling. If I stand back and let him make his own decisions, I'm the distant father with the mysterious ways. Whatever I do, he assumes the worst possible intentions.
Lucifer
That's because nothing is ever good enough for You! "Why don't you have a desk?" "Why doesn't your car have a roof?" "Why is your kitchen just a wall of scotch?"
[to Lucifer] You. You are an archangel. You're able to fly, live forever, coax the desires out of all humanity. Fly. [to God] And You. You are Alighty God. You are the most important being in the entire universe. You made the universe! You did that. You've had millennia to evolve beyond all the petty squabbles that we have down here on Earth. And yet? You haven't. You're basically just like all of us! I mean, maybe even worse, if you consider all the time that you've had to evolve beyond all of this nonsense! I mean, take this father-son discord! So Your son didn't turn out exactly how You'd hoped. So he can't fly!
Lucifer
Well, I think we've already established that I can fly.
You know what a good father does? He loves his son, unconditionally! Even if he doesn't have a fancy pair of wings! No matter what, supports him. You smell what I'm cooking?!
Lucifer
Usually, she's quite perceptive, but I suppose everyone has an off-day every now and then...
I believe I smell what you're cooking. In fact, I think I know exactly what to do. [clasps Lucifer's hands in his own] Get ready to be supported, son.
Lucifer
You know, it was bad enough -- rejecting me, forcing me down to hell. But I had a life here! I had a good thing! The detective, she-- she made me vulnerable, but it was... It was terrifying but it was also amazing because for the first time in my long, hopeless life, I felt something. And then You just turned up and You ruin it! You throw it all away! Why?!
So full of life that it blinds even you sometimes.
Lucifer
What does that mean?!
It means I understand that you're angry at me. And I'm so very sorry about that.
Lucifer
So... You're sorry for me, but You're not sorry for what you've done?
I didn't say that. But I will say that I cannot fix you, Lucifer.
Lucifer
But you're God!
Lucifer
Countless hours of meticulous planning, dozens of favors called in, so many Easter Eggs from our previous adventures - did you spot them all? [chuckles] Five million, four thousand, one hundred and fifty-seven dollars spent. Totally worth it!
This... all of this - the dog, the car wreck... I woke up this morning with no clothes on, next to a dead body.
Lucifer
[laughs] Daniel Espinosa: naked and afraid. Cheers. [Lucifer and Dan clink glasses and drink]
I don't understand how you pulled it off, man. Even you couldn't control everything.
Lucifer
Well, the hardest part was making sure the Detective wasn't involved. Hence all the illegalities I knew you wouldn't want to share with her. I mean, she would have seen through the charade right away, because she's... well, a Detective.
Lucifer
[scoffs] After that, there was very little to control. I mean, you're very predictable, Daniel.
[in disbelief] No. No, no, no, no, no, you had to have known... every single decision I would make. [laughs incredulously] How's that even possible?
Lucifer
Well, I knew that you would never give up. That every opportunity to quit, I knew that your... oafish optimism would keep you going. I suppose I realise that, whenever you're given a choice, you always... at least try and do the right thing.
Thank you, Lucifer. [in realisation] It's crazy, but I think I needed this. I've been in a really weird place for a long time. And I think I'm through it now. I can't explain it. But you really helped me.
Lucifer
Oh... well, that's not why I did this at all.
Well, then, why did you do all this?
Lucifer
Because you fucking shot me, Daniel!
Lucifer
Scary guy?
He's the reason I thought Adriana was mixed up in something dangerous in the first place. The other day, I saw her arguing with this big, intense... scary guy.
Lucifer
[to Chloe] Well, there you have it. First name "Scary", last name "Guy". Let's go pick him up, Detective.
Where were you last night at 8:00 p.m.?
OWOdetta Watson
Giving a reading... to a programming exec... at Fox.
Lucifer
Oh, good luck with that.
[For its first three seasons, "Lucifer" was broadcast on the Fox Network.]
[Lucifer is about to instigate another round of sex with Chloe.]
[calling from the other room] Lucifer!
Lucifer
[shouting] Would it kill you to knock?!
[also shouting] Your door is an ELEVATOR!!
[contemplating Dan, her pet bullfrog] How far do you think a frog could fall and live?
Lucifer
[pleased] Sounds like a fun experiment... for us, less the frog, but.... You're welcome to use my penthouse if you wish.
I'm not gonna do that, Lucifer.
Lucifer
[discussing taking Chloe with him to Hell] No, no, no, this is a terrible idea. Worst I've heard since some genius decided to cancel Bones.
Lucifer
Oh, where do I start? That show was the perfect combination of procedure and banter--
No, I mean, Lucifer, I'm talking about me going down to Hell.
Lucifer
Oh.
Lucifer · 325 quotes
